Episode Transcript
Heinous Investigations
Episode 1: Startup (Part I)
(Waves crash on a small beach under a gray New England sky.)
Carlton (voiceover): Hanesbury. A small, New England coastal town with a population of barely over a thousand, excluding the influx of entitled, elite families that come around for the occasional weekend. Not that I can understand for the life of me why anyone would waste their time here. Not much to see. Some incredibly uncreative kids loitering outside a cafe; an empty pier glistening under a spray of thin murky water; and stretches of dreary farmland, separated only by a paltry few jaded cul de sac neighborhoods, where every other yard is home to overturned bicycles, hula hoops, slightly rickety trampolines, and the occasional kiddie pool. Once you pass all of these sturdy homages to the quintessential rural-suburban lifestyle, you make it to downtown, where a few barely functioning local businesses lie in wait for their stream of customers, as disappointing and erratic as the nearby ocean waves. And it’s also where one could find the only law firm for miles: Lock, Stock—and Johnson. This unsettling institution took up residence in the oldest, most innocuous red brick building around so that clients would never suspect the fresh hell awaiting them inside...Just goes to show—
Stock (yelling from the next room): Carlton, what the hell are you doing? We’re not paying you to sit around and stare into space. Now keep sorting through those leads until you find one we can use, would ya?
Carlton: Yes, Mr. Stock. I’ll get on it right now.
Stock: Good. These damn young people...Lazy, daydreaming little…
Carlton: [*sigh*] Ok, so I’m basically the firm’s errand boy. A glorified ambulance chaser, and that’s on a good day. But hey, it’s a job. Everybody’s gotta start somewhere. A few years of good work in this place and then maybe I can work in a real firm in a real city. Like Boston, or New York, or...ok, basically anywhere other than here would be good. Things can get kinda off around here.
(Cut to Carlton questioning Chester Albertson, a local elderly shopkeeper.)
Carlton: I’m sorry, you said you saw what destroy your parking lot?
Chester: Not saw. I felt it. Just like plenty of other people in this town’ve felt it for weeks.
Carlton: Felt what?
Chester: The tremors! The shaking! Like an earthquake, only...not...You can’t tell me you never felt the tremors!
Carlton: Uh, I’ve only been here a couple months, so I really—
Chester: Ah! Fresh meat! Well, don’t worry, lad. You’ll start noticing the ways of this place soon enough.
Carlton: Ways?
Chester: Yeah, you know. Howling in the trees even when there’s no wind; mysterious, hazy ships approaching the harbor on foggy evenings; the ground shaking and cracking under your own feet when you least expect it…
Carlton: Right. Soooo, did you at least contact the police about someone who could’ve done this damage? One of your competitors maybe?
Shopkeeper: Heh. You’re a stubborn one, I can tell. You just go back to your little office and don’t you worry about me. Me and everyone else around here are used to cleaning up these kinds of messes. Just remember: you’ve been warned…
Carlton: Yeah. Sure…
(Footsteps as Carlton walks back to his office.)
Carlton: So not the most productive day. Not my fault the guy doesn’t want legal restitution. And what was with that thing about this place having ‘ways’? That’s the third time I’ve heard that excuse this week. When are these small town people gonna learn that the old ghost stories aren’t as charming as they think? If I have to hear one more story about a demon graffitiing a storefront or a ghost lurking in some lady’s fridge I’m gonna—oof!
Miriam: Agh!
(Carlton bumps into a young woman carrying a large paper bag. The bag’s contents spill onto the ground.)
Carlton: Oh, hey, I’m sorry, uh, ma’am. Didn’t mean to spill your—Here, let me help you pick all this up—
Miriam: I don’t need your help.
Carlton: Hey, I’m just trying to be nice, ok? Look, here’s your carrots, and your bread, and your—holy crap is that a machete?
Miriam: Yeah. You wanna make something of it?
Carlton: No! I mean, hey, if there’s anybody who approves of a person being able to defend themself, it’s me. But—
Miriam: But?
Carlton: Well, uh, I mean…don’t you think it’s, I dunno—a little much?
Miriam: I’ll carry whatever I want to carry, thanks. And anyway, it’s not even mine.
Carlton: What? Really?
Miriam: It’s for work.
Carlton (half suspicious, half intrigued): What the hell kind of work is that?
Miriam: I fix things. Weapons. And tools sometimes. Like the machete. Lots of local farms around here. Hunters too. Like to keep their stuff sharp, clean, safe. When they need to, they’ll come to me for help.
Carlton: Ok, but how does that explain the blowgun and the shuriken?
Miriam: What, I can’t have hobbies? Why don’t you just go back to the office and leave me alone, suit?
Carlton: The suit’s got a name.
Miriam: And I don’t care. I’m going now.
Carlton: Hey, what’d I ever do to you?
Miriam: Nothing, yet. But you will eventually. You big business guys always do.
Carlton: I’m a lawyer.
Miriam: Great. Even worse. Hopefully I won’t see you around.
(She leaves, footsteps fading out as she goes.)
Carlton: What the hell was that about?
Jack: Don’t take it personally. She’s always been kind of abrasive, with everyone.
Carlton: You know her?
Jack: From rumors, mostly. The people around here call her Ms. Prior, and they tend to be more scared of her than the ghost stories. I’m Jack. Jack Graham.
Carlton: People call me Carlton…Sorry, you said “Graham”, right? Like, the ones who own the huge place at the south end of the beach?
Jack: That’s us. The whole family hasn’t been around here for years though. They mostly prefer to stick to the city now. I mean, I can’t entirely blame them. New York’s a hard place to get away from, and there’s not much to do out here.
Carlton: Tell me about it.
Jack: But they want to keep their hands on the property for whatever reason. That’s why they send me up here to check on it every once in a while. Well, me and—
(Suddenly, a motorcycle speeds through a puddle directly in front of Jack and Carlton.)
Carlton: Ugh! Great! I just got this suit dry cleaned. What kind of asshole runs through a puddle when there’s people around?
Jack: ALGY!
Carlton: What Algae?
Jack: Not what, who. And it’s my brother, Algernon. We call him Algy for short.
Carlton: Huh.
Jack: What?
Carlton: Nothing, just, “Algernon”. Not a name you hear a lot.
Jack: Our parents have this Oscar Wilde obsession. Hence the theme naming.
Carlton: Um…
Jack: Jack and Algernon? The Importance of Being Earnest? It’s a play.
Carlton: Yeah, you lost me at “Oscar Wilde.” Jeez, and I thought the woman with the machete’d be the most confusing person I met today.
Jack: What was that?
Carlton: I said, uh—I’m guessing your brother’s not the most upstanding of citizens?
Jack: He’s really a good guy deep down, trust me. He just...moves fast, and it’s a pain to keep up with him all the time.
Carlton: He’s impulsive. I get how that could be annoying.
Jack: Well, yes, he’s that too. But he also moves fast.
Carlton: Wait, what?
(Cut to the motorcycle slowing down. A bell rings as Algernon enters Hanesbury’s local bar and approaches a woman sitting nearby.)
Algy (as smooth as possible): Hello.
Ginnie: Hi. I’ve never seen you around here before. Are you new?
Algy: Uh, no, no I’m not. But I think you must be.
Ginnie: Why would you say that?
Algy: Because I’ve come to this town almost every weekend for years, and I can’t remember seeing a woman as beautiful as you.
Ginnie: Aw, thank you… But I think you might be flirting with me, and I kinda don’t like it when guys flirt with me at bars.
Algy: Flirting? What? Oh, no, I wasn’t—I wouldn’t call it flirting..
Ginnie: Really? Then what would you call it?
Algy: How about socializing?
Ginnie: Socializing?
Algy: Yeah. I mean, is everyone’s guard up so much nowadays that a man and a woman can’t have a nice conversation and compliment each other in a public place without it being offensive? I thought a place called “The Rover’s Rest” would be way more welcoming. Seems a little deceptive, huh?
Ginnie: Yeah, I think so.
Algy: So, does that mean we can keep talking?
Ginnie): That depends…Can I still drink?
(Back to Carlton and Jack, now outside the bar.)
Carlton: You sure we’re gonna find him in there? I mean look, I’m all for justice, but I’ve gotta get back to work. Where I can get a paycheck. Which I can use to pay a dry cleaners. Instead of wasting time chasing some guy I don’t even know.
Jack: This is the only bar in town. If I know Algy, he’s trying his best to score with whatever woman bothered to give him the time of day…Thankfully his success rate is shaky at best…
(Back in the bar, several drinks are being poured. Most of them are Ginnie’s.)
Algy: Wow, you, uh, sure can drink, huh?
Ginnie: H’what? Oh, yeah, this is nothin’, hehe…You know, there’s a word I think would describe you, but I’m having a hard time thinking of it.
Algy: Can I help you with that?
Ginnie: No. No, I just need a…I’ve got it! You’re incorrigible.
Algy: [*nervous laughter*] What?
Ginnie: You heard me. You’re in-cor-ri-gi-ble.
Algy: I think you might have downed that last drink a little too fast.
Ginnie: Psh! What, you don’t think that fits? You, sir, are a type.
Algy: A what?
Ginnie: A tyyyyp-uh. The type of guy every girl hopes they never run into. Nice, funny...cute....A ha! I knew it! You are flirting! You—I need to go now, ok?
Algy: Hey, wait a minute. If that’s how you feel, at least let me be courteous enough to be the one that goes.
Ginnie: Oh, wait really?
Algy: Well, you were here first, and considering I’m the one who tried to hit on you, it’d be rude of me to force you to give up your spot. Doesn’t seem fair.
Ginnie: Yeah, it’s not fair. Also, thanks for confirming you were trying to hit on me.
Algy: [*wince*] But you’ve gotta admit, as far as pickups go, I was still pretty considerate right?
Ginnie: Oh yeah, so considerate—really nice of you, like really really. But, there’s one more teenie tiny thing that’d make it perfect.
Algy: Oh? And what would that be?
Ginnie: This.
(She tosses her drink in his face.)
Algy: Ah, the classic drink in the face. I will take it with dignity, and I hope you’ll remember that if we ever run into each other again.
Ginnie: Uh huh...So, uh, do you think you could get out of here as fast as possible? ‘Cause—
(A brief sound, hereafter called a “thwip!”)
Ginnie: Hey, wait, where’d he—? Oh, hey wait a min—Hey, sir, you forgot to pay for your—
(“Thwip!”)
Ginnie: Huh. Is that? No. That’s not twenty dollars. Noooooo. He wasn’t...no.
(Bell rings. Carlton and Jack walk in.)
Jack: Hello, miss. Were you, by any chance, talking to a man? Dark hair, possibly charming, but definitely over-confident?
Ginnie: Oh, y’know he was just here. But, uh, he ran out, I think.
Jack: Oh you have no idea. Do you know where he could’ve gone?
Ginnie: Uh, no. Sorry. Hey, are you like, going to find him? Can I come? ‘Cause, you see, he just did something really sus-picious! And I’ve got some questions for—oof! Whoops! [*giggles*]
(Ginnie’s barstool flies out from under her.)
Carlton: Whoa, hey. Maybe you should head home.
Ginnie: Yeah, maybe, ok.
Carlton: Jack, you think you can track down your brother on your own while I help, uh, sorry, what’s your name?
Ginnie: Virginia Kelly, but most people call me Ginnie. Ok, not most people, everybody. Everybody calls me Ginnie. Oh, what’s your name?
Carlton: How about you just call me Carlton?
Ginnie: Okie dokie!
(Carlton’s phone goes off.)
Carlton: Hello?
(Incoherent voice from the phone.)
Carlton: Yes, Mr. Stock. I’ll be there right away. Thank you, sir.
(He hangs up.)
Carlton: Ok, so all I’ve gotta do is get Ginnie home and get back to the office. No problem.
Jack: Good luck.
Carlton: Yeah thanks. Uh, you too.
Jack: And I promise, I’ll pay you back for the suit. I’m pretty easy to look up. Don’t hesitate to call.
(Jack rushes out. Bell rings behind him.)
Carlton: Well that’s one less problem, I guess. Now I just gotta get her back to—uh, wait. Where’d she—hey, Ginnie? Ginnie! Anybody see a very drunk girl walk outta here? Ginnie! [*sigh*] Ok, find Ginnie, get her home, and get back to the office...No problem.
(Carlton exits the bar. Bell rings. Footsteps as Carlton walks through town.)
Carlton: Hello? Hey, Ginnie? Where the hell did she—
Ginnie: [*laughs*]
(Footsteps as she runs past Carlton.)
Carlton: Oh, god.
(A nearby shop door opens and slams shut behind Ginnie.)
Carlton: Hey! Hey! Wait! Where the hell are you—? Ugh!
(Carlton kicks the door open.)
Miriam: What the hell? Did you just kick my door in? Are you ins—Oh my god, it’s you.
Carlton: Yeah, nice to see you too, Prior. Have you seen a girl—woman in here, or—
Miriam: How’d you know my name? Are you stalking me?
Carlton: No—look, I really don’t have time for this—just, have you seen someone, or not?
Miriam: No. Nobody has been in here all day, except me—and you.
Carlton: But, I thought I saw—I mean she walked right in—
Miriam: Ok, I’m gonna make this easy for you to understand since you’re clearly not all there in the mental department.
(She draws a knife.)
Miriam: Get the hell out of my shop before I make you, got it?
Carlton: Oh, come on. Like you would really throw that knife at me here in broad dayl—
(The knife gets thrown into the wall directly next to Carlton’s head.)
Carlton: Damn. But, I think you missed.
Miriam: I don’t miss. Next time it won’t be the wall.
Carlton: Ok. See you around Prior.
(Door slams as Carlton exits back into the street.)
Carlton: You know what. I don’t have to put up with this. I am a rational guy. This clearly isn’t worth the trouble. Ginnie’s probably fine. I bet she’s—
(Ginnie runs past him.)
Ginnie: Hi Carltoooooonnnnnnn!
Carlton: What? Ok, you need to stop for a second so I can—
(Carlton’s phone rings again.)
Carlton: [*grunts*] Hello! Oh, sorry, Mr. Stock, sir. Yes, I’m on my way right now. Something just...came up. Yes, I can take care of it, sir. I’ve got it under contr—Hello?
(He puts the phone away. Ginnie runs past him again and opens another door.)
Carlton: Ran into the library. Gotcha.
(He runs and opens the library door.)
Carlton: Ginnie? Jeez, it’s deserted in here. Ginnie!
Elliot: Erm, excuse me, sir, but could you please be just a tad quieter? It’s just that this is a library, which is commonly intended to be—
Carlton: Yeah, fine kid. Uh, you run things around here?
Elliot: Oh, erm, no. I am only a volunteer in my spare time. I am actually a doc—
Carlton: Yeah, that’s great—So is there maybe a librarian around here I can talk to, or?
Elliot: Oh, no, I’m sorry, sir. I’m afraid she’s out. Although I do spend time here often, and I’d like to think that under these circumstances, I could be a resource for anything that you might—
Carlton: No thanks, I’m good.
Elliot: Oh, alright then. Please feel free to ask for—
(Carlton runs off.)
Elliot: anything…
Carlton (whispering): Ginnie...Ginnie...Gin—
(Carlton runs into an eerie-looking guy who is quietly reading.)
Carlton: Oh, hey uh, sorry. I was just looking for somebody. Hey, you wouldn’t’ve happened to see a woman pass by here? Young, short, dark hair, has been giggling like a nut job and is surprisingly fast.
(The man turns the page in his book without looking up.)
Carlton: Uh, hey? You ok? Or are you just really into that book, whatever it is? Hey, hello?...Ok, I guess you’re either deaf or pretty damn rude. There’s a chance this girl could get in some serious trouble, and you’re just gonna ignore me? You know what? Real nice. See ya. I swear to god, some of these locals—
Orville (quiet, monotone): She went to the fantasy section.
Carlton: What?
Orville: That girl you’re looking for. Also, I’m not deaf or rude, just incredibly introverted, and the book is Thoreau’s Walden...And you probably shouldn’t talk so loud in a library. It’s a little distracting.
Carlton: Thank you?
Orville: You’re welcome. You should probably go.
Carlton: Yeah, right. Thanks.
(Carlton runs until he finally catches Ginnie.)
Ginnie: Oh, hi Carlton.
Carlton: “Hi”? That’s all you’re gonna say after you made me chase you around town for no reason?
Ginnie: I’m sorry. I can get a little carried away sometimes, you know?
Carlton: And now you’re sober?
Ginnie: Hmm?
Carlton: I mean, no offense, but you were at least very tipsy about fifteen minutes ago, and now you seem more on top of your game than me.
Ginnie: You sure I was drunk?
Carlton: Pretty sure, yeah.
Ginnie: Huh, well I guess I’m not anymore. Anyway, bye!
Carlton: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait that’s it! I’ve had about enough of this! Crazy shop owners saying this town has “ways,” even crazier weapons nuts trying to kill me—
Ginnie: Oh, you’ve met Ms. Prior! She helped me sharpen my kitchen knives once. She is so nice.
Carlton: Psh! Not from what I’ve seen of her. And then there’s rich pricks with “fast-moving” brothers—whatever the hell that means—and introverted weirdos in libraries, and a girl who can be drunk off her ass one minute, then totally fine the next! It’s like freakin’ Alice in Wonderland in this place, and all I wanna do is get back to my job! But before I do that, can you please tell me what the hell is going on!?!
(All of a sudden, the bookshelf Carlton and Ginnie are standing behind slowly topples over…“CRASH!”)
Ginnie: Did you just knock that shelf over?
Carlton: Nope...Did you?
Ginnie: I didn’t even touch it.
(Elliot enters.)
Elliot: What is going on up here? I could hear shouting from all the way at the other end of the—oh my gosh, what happened to this shelf?!?
Carlton: Look kid, whatever it was, it had nothing to do with us. So—
Elliot: Who else could it have been? There isn’t anyone else around.
Carlton: Hey, what about that guy over there? I literally just talked to him.
Elliot: Orville? He’s been sitting all the way over there for well over an hour.
Carlton: Well, maybe he—
Elliot: I’m sorry, but I think it might be best if you both go, please. At least until my superior gets back and can properly deal with—
Carlton: Ohhh no. I am done being shuffled all around town like I’m dirt. I am not leaving this place until I get some answers.
Ginnie: Um, Carlton, now might really not be a good time—
Carlton: No! I am done taking orders! Now start talking!
Elliot: Erm, do you think you two could possibly take this apparently personal, rather loud conversation outside please? I don’t mean to be a bother, but—
Ginnie: Ok, well I can’t tell you about the other stuff, but, um, I guess as for me, I could tell you, um—
Carlton: What?
Ginnie: Look, I’ve told a ton of people before and none of them believe me anyway, so why would you be any different?
Carlton: Oh yeah? Try me.
Elliot: Really, the exit is less than fifty feet away—
Ginnie: Ok, if you say so.
Elliot: Alright, since you’re not moving, if you wouldn’t mind at least quieting down, it would likely be of some help? Please?
Ginnie: I’m a vampire.
Carlton: Oh come on!
Ginnie: I knew you wouldn’t believe me!
Carlton: We’re in a place surrounded by a million fantasy books right now!
Elliot: Actually, there are only about two-hundred, but if going through them would calm things down, then—
Carlton: You’re honestly gonna tell me that you didn’t just look at one of them and made something up to get me off your back?
Ginnie: Yes! Because I wouldn’t lie to you! I wouldn’t lie to anybody about this!
Elliot: Please would you two stop shouting?
Carlton: Fine. Prove it.
Ginnie: How?
Carlton: I don’t know. Why don’t you use your vampire strength to stand this shelf back up? Vampires are strong aren’t they?
Ginnie: I could.
Carlton: You could not.
Ginnie: Yes I cou—
Elliot (in a spooky, hellish voice): SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!...Erm, please excuse me. I think I need a MO…Moment alone.
(He runs off.)
Carlton: You think we should check if he’s ok, or...No! I am not getting sucked into anymore of this town’s insanity. I am just going to go back. To. Work.
Ginnie: But wait! Hold on a sec!
(She grabs Carlton by the arm.)
Carlton: Why are you grabbing my arm—whoa!
(They run across the library.)
Carlton: Ok, so you do have a strong grip! But don’t think you’re gonna get me to believe anything el—Where the hell are you taking me?
Ginnie: Bathroom.
Carlton: Why?
Ginnie: You said you wanted proof, so, here you go.
(She opens the bathroom door.)
Ginnie: What do you see above the sink?
Carlton: Mirror.
Ginnie: Uh huh. And what’s in the mirror?
Carlton: My reflection...but...not...yours. Holy sh—
Ginnie: Yup. Ok, so I guess that’s settled now. I’m gonna go. Oh, hey, fun thing! Ever wonder why you can’t see vampire’s reflections?
Carlton: [*stammers*] Isn’t that because they don’t have souls or something?
Ginnie: Nope! Watch this!
(She climbs straight through the mirror.)
Ginnie: Ok, maybe I’ll see you later then, byeeeee!
Carlton: Wait, s-she just climbed through the mirror...
Orville: Yeah she did.
Carlton: Gah! What the f—how long have you been standing there!?!
Orville: For about five seconds.
Carlton: Why?
Orville: Because I have to use the bathroom. Is that not why you’re here?
Carlton: I’ve gotta get out of this place.
(He runs out of the library and into the street, where he is nearly run over by Algernon on his motorcycle.)
Algy: Whoa! Are you nuts, running into the middle of the road like that!?! I could’ve hit you, and I can not have another lawsuit on my hands.
Carlton: YOU.
Algy: Hmm? Uh, sorry, have we met?
Carlton: No, but your brother and I have, before your antics sent me running all over this crazy town.
Jack: Algy? Ha, I knew I’d catch up with you.
Algy: The only reason you did was because this psycho ran out into the middle of the road and cut me off.
Carlton: I’m the psycho? You’re the one running around, messing up guy’s suits, hitting on drunk women, and almost running people over!
Jack: I am so tired of you causing trouble—
(Jack grows in size until he is almost 50 feet tall.)
Jack: and then leaving me to clean up after your messes! AT THIS RATE I’M SURPRISED THAT THEY HAVEN’T RUN US OUT OF HERE YET!
Algy: Uh, Jack?
Jack: WHAT?
Algy: You’re, uh, sort of...I mean, to put it...you’ve grown...drastically, in a vertical direction.
Jack: I’VE WHA—OH. UM, CARLTON, I SHOULD PROBABLY EXPLAIN—THIS JUST GETS A LITTLE HARDER TO CONTROL SOMETIMES WHEN I—
Carlton: Aaaaaahhhh!
(Carlton runs away as fast as he can.)
Jack: OH NO.
Algy: He’s making a break for it! I got him!
(“Thwip!” Algy cuts Carlton off.)
Algy: Hey, friend. About what you just saw—
Carlton: How the hell did you—Weren’t you just—I—I was way ahead of you!
Algy: Yeah, you see, my brother and I, we uh, well...We have some...interesting skills, and, what I can do, is, I—
Carlton: Move fast.
Algy: Oh, Jack already complained about me to you. Good to know he ruined my first impression.
Carlton: Yeah, I think you ruined that on your own. Now, if you excuse me, I’m just gonna continue running for my life!
(He tries to run, but Algy outruns him with a “Thwip!”)
Algy: Really not a great idea.
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: You know I’m just gonna keep outrunning you.
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: Right? You know what?
(He grabs Carlton. “Thwip!”)
Carlton: What the—are we back where we started?
Algy: Yeah, I dragged you back here. You may wanna check to make sure the bottoms of your shoes didn’t get trashed. Happens when passengers don’t get a chance to pick their feet up before I make a break for it—And hey! Looks like my brother is back to the right size…Wait, why is one of your hands still huge?
Jack: Oh, would you look at that. Well, I guess that means I can do this.
(Jack punches Algy mega hard with his giant fist.)
Algy: Ow! So that’s how it’s gonna be. Ok, prepare to get speed thrashed into next week.
Jack: Like you could actually do that.
(Algy proceeds to actually do that.)
Jack: Agh! Ok, ok, you can actually do that!
(During the next exchange, the sounds of the brothers’ fight continue in the background.)
Carlton: How am I the only one seeing this?
Orville: You’re not.
Carlton: Holy—how do you keep doing that?
Orville: I just heard shouting and came outside to see what was happening...Aren’t you going to stop it?
Carlton: Why don’t you stop it?
Orville: I’m not really into conflict.
Carlton: Even when the ones involved are the answer to the question “What if Cain and Abel wandered into a 1950s comic book writer’s concept of a nuclear reactor?”
Orville: Honestly, it doesn’t seem that out of place here.
Algy: Had enough yet, Jack?
Jack: For the sake of ending things before someone else notices, I’ll say yes.
Algy: Wow, that is very mature and responsible of you.
Jack: Thank you.
Algy: Too bad I’m neither of those things.
Jack: Wait wha—
(Algy pushes Jack so hard and fast that he crashes through a nearby window.)
Carlton (cringing): Ooh!
Orville: That can’t be good.
Carlton: Wait, whose store was that?
(Miriam dashes out of her shop.)
Miriam: Hey, what the hell!?! Did you idiots just break my window?
Carlton: You have gotta be kidding me.
Algy: Hey, I’m sure that Jack wouldn’t have crashed through that window, entirely on his own with absolutely no influence from anyone else—
Jack (overlapping): YOU PUSHED ME THROUGH THE WINDOW!
Algy: —if he’d known it belonged to such a beautiful, not-at-all-scary woman.
(Miriam puts a sword to Algy’s throat.)
Miriam: Don’t test me.
Algy: Are you trying to slit my throat? With a sword?
Miriam: Not if you don’t test me.
Carlton: Ok, I’m just gonna break this up now, because clearly nobody else will. Why don’t we just put the sword down, and—
Miriam: What, you think it’s “a little much?”
Carlton: Oh, ok, I see what you did there. You used my words from earlier, and now you’re—
Miriam: Yeah, yeah I did. Nice deduction, Sherlock.
Algy: Phew, so, there is clearly something going on here, so I’m just gonna…
(“Thwip!” Algy runs, but bumps into Ginnie, who has suddenly appeared.)
Algy: Oof! That’s gonna hurt tomorrow...Oh. Hello.
Ginnie: Hello again.
Algy: Can I ask how you…came out of that puddle?
Ginnie: Reflective surface. I can travel through them.
Algy: Y-hoo-hoo-hoo are just…full of surprises.
Ginnie: [*giggles*], you too…But you still have a lot of explaining to do, mister!
Jack: Oh for god’s sake.
(Jack grows again.)
Jack: CAN YOU STAY OUT OF TROUBLE FOR EVEN A SECOND?
Algy: Oh no. Giant Jack again. What will I do? Why don’t you and I get out of here Jenny?
Ginnie: Ginnie.
Algy: Ginnie. Crap.
Jack: YOU’LL HAVE TO GET PAST ME FIRST.
Miriam: No way! I am not risking any more damage to my property.
(She unsheaths a series of knives and pins Algy to a tree.)
Miriam: There. Problem solved. No reason to have an all out metahuman fight in the middle of the street.
Algy: Where were you keeping those knives!?! Get me out of here!
Miriam: Stop complaining. You should consider yourself lucky I only pinned you to that tree.
Carlton: I really think that as someone well aware of how the law works, I should take those weapons now.
Miriam: Lay one hand on me or my property and I’ll—
Carlton: What? Poke me with your cute little sword? Believe it or not, Prior, I’m not as slow as you think.
Miriam: Is that a challenge?
Carlton: Only if you're not too chicken to accept it.
Miriam: Bring it on. Lucky for you, I always carry a spare.
(She unsheathes another sword; tosses it to Carlton.)
Carlton: Oh jeez…
Miriam: What’s wrong? Never wielded a sword before?
Carlton: No, actually…
(He swings the sword at Miriam, who blocks it with a surprised look on her face.)
Carlton: I know a thing or two. Self-taught.
Miriam: Huh. Me too. Now let’s see who’s the better teacher.
(The two start full-on dueling with the swords.)
Ginnie: Um, hey Carlton? Weren’t you the one freaking out about getting dragged into insanity? Do you maybe see some irony here?
Carlton: Look, I’ve had a really long day, and if a stupid sword fight gets everything to stop, it’s fine by me!
Ginnie: Well then, I’ll just have to break you both up myself.
Carlton: Ugh, I’ve been through enough already! I’m not gonna top it all off by getting some innocent girl stabbed, got it?
Ginnie: “Innocent girl?” How’s this for innocent you jerk?
(She punches Carlton with extreme force.)
Carlton: OOF!
(He crashes through a window.)
Miriam: Whoa. Nice going. All the way through the library window. What was that, like forty feet?
Ginnie: Maybe, I dunno. And that wasn’t even at full strength. Vampires may not get burnt up in sunlight like people think, but we’re way weaker in it.
Miriam: You’re a vampire?
Ginnie: Uh huh.
Miriam: Cool. I can get behind that.
(In the library, Carlton gets up from the pile of shattered window.)
Carlton: [*groans in pain*]
Elliot: Oh my—erm, are you alright?
Carlton (sarcastically): Never better.
Elliot: You’re covered in cuts.
Carlton: Yeah, that’ll happen when you’re chucked through a window at thirty miles an hour.
Elliot: Hold on. We should have a first aid kit around here somewhere.
(He goes off looking for it.)
Carlton: Look kid, I don’t need your help. Unless you’ve got a killer right hook.
Elliot: Erm, no, but I do have a medical degree.
Carlton: You? You’re what, like, sixteen?
Elliot: Twenty-three.
Carlton: How can you have a medical degree?
Elliot: Erm, actually, I have five, but that’s beside the point.
Carlton: Five? How—you know what? Of all the things I’ve dealt with today, that makes the most sense.
Elliot: Got it.
(He rummages through the first aid bag.)
Elliot: Hmm. No bandages. No antiseptic either. Erm…
Carlton: Look, kid I’m fine. You just go back to, I dunno, cataloging encyclopedias or whatever it is you do around here.
Elliot: While that does sound fascinating, I can’t, in good conscience, leave you injured...Maybe if I...but, erm...you said you’d had some unusual experiences today?
Carlton: Yeah, that’s putting it mildly.
Elliot: Well, erm, here’s another.
(A soft blue light descends upon Carlton.)
Carlton: Whoa, whoa, ok, I see a light. I must’ve died. Welp, that’s it, I guess. I’m done. And maybe for the better.
Elliot: You’re not dead, Mister…?
Carlton: Carlton. Ok, then what’s going…
(The light quickly fades away.)
Carlton: …on? Aaaaand my cuts are gone.
Elliot: It would appear so.
Carlton: And you did that.
Elliot: Erm, yes.
Carlton: Great.
(There is a massive “CRASH!” from outside.)
Carlton: Now what?
(Outside, the tree Algy was tied to is on fire. Jack is lying in the road.)
Jack: [*groans in pain*]
Carlton: Jack, what happened here?
Algy: Maybe I should take this one? You see, what happened was—
Miriam: I’ll tell you what happened. Speed demon over there struggled so fast to break away from that tree, the friction made it catch on fire. Then once he was loose, he bumped into his stupid giant brother, knocked him into the street, and totally destroyed a basically new pavement job.
Algy: Looks like the shock brought him back down to size though.
Jack: Just be happy things didn’t get any worse.
(As if on cue, the flaming tree topples over. The fire spreads.)
Miriam: Just had to say something, didn’t you?
Jack: It’s not like I expected an enormous, very stable-looking, albeit flaming tree to fall over.
Ginnie: We have to warn the people in that [*gasp*] rapidly burning row of buildings!
Miriam: You’re not gonna have much luck. Nobody’s in there. Those places are all under renovation. Almost everything on the block is closed.
Ginnie: What?
Miriam: Yeah. Didn’t you think it was weird that nobody but us has come outside this whole time?
Ginnie: But we should still do something.
Carlton: She’s right. Hey kid, think you can put out those fires?
Elliot: Wait, W-why me?
Carlton: Come on, use some of that weird glowy light magic. Boom, problem solved.
Elliot: Healing and extinguishing fires are two very different things, Mr. Carlton. One very large difference between them being, I cannot do the latter. I’m sorry.
Carlton: [*huffs*] Ok, then how about you?
Algy: What about me?
Carlton: Why don’t you run really fast around the fire? Starve it of oxygen or whatever?
Algy: What the hell are you talking about?
Carlton: I saw it on TV once, alright? I mean for god’s sake, I’m talking to superhumans here, and you’re telling me none of you can put out a fire?
Miriam: What about you, Mister “Suit with a Sword”? Why don’t you put it out?
(Overlapping dialogue…)
[Carlton: You tried to kill me today! I don’t think you really have a say in what I do here! Not to mention all the crap the rest of these guys have put me through!
Miriam: Maybe if you weren’t such a low-down, clueless creep, I wouldn’t feel like I had to kill you! And by the way, I got way more done in getting this mess under control than you did, so why don’t you just step off!?!
Algy: I was just doing what I do every day, not thinking for a second that some amateur detective in a muddy suit—what's up with that, anyway?—was going to screw it all up! I think I should be blaming you!
Jack: I got out of bed this morning hoping that for once things could go smoothly while I was in this town! Now, I don’t even know if I’m going to be able to show my face within twenty miles of here!
Ginnie: Can we all please stop pointing fingers and do something!?!
Elliot: Yes, erm, could we please do something? I think things may be getting slightly out of hand.]
Orville: Stop.
(Algy, Jack, Ginnie, Elliot, Miriam and Carlton are all levitated high up in the air.)
Carlton: We’re floating.
Miriam: I gathered.
Algy: I can’t move.
Ginnie: Me either.
Jack: How could this have happened?
Carlton: I’ve got a pretty good guess. Orville, was it?
Orville: Yes.
Ginnie: Wait, where did he come from?
Miriam: I didn’t even notice he was here.
Carlton: Yeah, he does that. I’m guessing you were the one who knocked the shelf over in the library?
Orville: Yeah, sorry about that. You and the vampire were arguing really loudly. It was very distracting. I was just trying to make you stop.
Carlton: And what, you’ve got telekinesis or something?
Orville: Among other things, yes.
Carlton: Ambiguous answer, but good enough for me. So you think you could put us down now?
Orville: If you all agree to stop fighting. Like I said, I’m not really into conflict.
(More overlapping dialogue!)
[Algy: Hey, what gives you the right to tell us what to do?
Jack: Would you shut up for a second before you get us in even deeper!?!
Miriam: If you hate conflict so much, why the hell didn’t you stop this earlier!?!]
Carlton: Everybody shut up! Fine, we’ll stop. Just put us down, and we’ll work quietly and cooperatively to deal with the fire.
Orville: I already dealt with the fire.
Ginnie: What?
Algy: How?
Orville: I called the fire department.
Everyone Else: Oh.
(Orville lets the others down.)
Carlton: Maybe we should just get out of here.
(A nearby car door opens and a young man steps out.)
Martin: My thoughts exactly, Mr. Carlton.
Carlton: Who the hell are you?
Ginnie: Shh! I wouldn’t talk to him like that if I were you.
Carlton: Why not?
Ginnie: Because that’s Martin Henrikson. The Martin Henrikson.
Carlton: So? What’s The big deal?
Miriam: His family owns the town, genius.
Martin: I try not to open up my introductions with that fact, but yes…Hello Jack, Algernon.
Jack: Hey, Martin. This…doesn’t look great, does it?
Martin: Not particularly. But honestly, I’ve seen Algy do much worse.
Algy: How dare you! I thought we were kind of friends!
Carlton: Wait, you know him?
Orville: I do too.
Elliot: As do I, erm, well at least in passing.
Carlton: Great! It’s a goddamn conspiracy!
Martin: More like a skillfully-contrived coincidence, but maybe we should save the details for later. You’re all going to have to come with me, and quickly. The police and fire department should be getting here any second.
(Sirens in the distance.)
Algy: And why should we come with you, Marty?
Martin: You really want to explain what happened here to the cops?
Algy: Good point. Tell me where we’re going as soon as I get my bike.
(Algy “Thwips” off.)
Martin: Alright then. I’d say the rest of you can fit in the car. Let’s get a move on.
(The group starts to go to the car. Ginnie whispers to Carlton.)
Ginnie: If it makes you feel any better, this is the first time I’ve ever talked to him, too.
Carlton: Um, ok?...Wait, hold on—Prior, you’re all seriously just gonna blindly follow this guy?
Miriam: “This guy” is in charge of my rent. Not to mention he’s one of my best customers.
Carlton: You’re telling me he’s a weapons guy?
Miriam: You talk like you’ve never heard of a weird rich guy with a sword collection.
Carlton: Wha—Fair point.
Miriam: Yeah. My knack for reasoning is as strong as your parry game is weak.
Carlton: Yeah, well, just wait until our next match.
Miriam: Looking forward to it.
(She walks on ahead of Carlton. Suddenly, his phone rings. He answers it.)
Carlton: Hello? Oh, uh, Mr. Stock. Ok, I know this is going to sound crazy but...Oh, ok. Yeah, I understand.
(He hangs up.)
Carlton: Yup, I was fired.
