Episode Transcript
Heinous Investigations
Episode 2: Startup (Part II)
(A car and motorcycle drive down a stretch of country road on the outskirts of Hanesbury. In the car, Carlton stares pensively out the window.)
Carlton (voiceover): Hanesbury. A small town on the New England coast. Yesterday I would’ve told you it was the most boring town in America. Yesterday I also would’ve told you I had a steady job. But in one day, a group of weirdly powerful jerks have completely destroyed both of those facts, plus almost an entire block’s worth of buildings...I’d like to think I was totally blameless in all of it, but I’ve still been dragged along for the ride. Literally.
Miriam: What’s up with you?
Carlton: What?
Miriam: You were looking out the window like you were super deep in thought.
Elliot: Erm, I’d say he was brooding.
Ginnie: No, I’d say it was more like musing than brooding. What do you think, Orville?
Orville: I think we should leave the guy alone, considering he just lost his job.
Carlton: How the hell did you know that? I didn’t tell—
Martin: I’m sure Orville didn’t mean to offend you, Mr. Carlton. I don’t think he can help overhearing sometimes.
Carlton: Overhearing what? How could he have heard anything? I was alone when I got that call.
Orville: I know. But I heard you thinking about it.
Carlton: You heard me think…Oh, don’t tell me—
Orville: “You can read minds too.” I knew you were going to say that.
Carlton: This is insane—No, this is beyond insane. This is—
Miriam: So, where are we going Martin?
Martin: Well Miriam—
Carlton: Miriam? Huh, I think I prefer Prior.
Miriam: Martin and I have known each other for years. He can call me Miriam. You can’t. And how about you, “Carlton”? Any reason you neglected to mention your first name?
Martin: I think that we may be digressing here. We’re going to my family’s estate...I’m going to be honest with you all: I’m not the kind of person who watches from the sidelines while things fall apart. I go into town often, and I like to get to know the people. I’d seen you all around at one time or another, even gotten to know some of you personally—And in that time I’d learned enough to figure that you’d all cause a massive disaster if you ever ended up in the same place at the same time.
Algy (over the phone): Oh, I don’t know if I’d say that—
Jack: Wha—How long have you been listening to us? You’re not even in the car.
Algy (over the phone): The whole time. I have Martin’s phone number. Impressed that I made it this long without interjecting?
Jack: You’re interjecting right now.
Algy (over the phone): Yeah, but I made it a long time before I did—
Jack: That doesn’t really make it impressive—
Algy (over the phone): Would you just let me have this one thing?
Jack: You say that every time we argue—
Algy (over the phone): And do you ever let me win?
Jack: Yes. Constantly, just to get you to shut up—
Miriam: You think you two idiots could stop fighting for two seconds?
Jack: Sure.
Algy (over the phone): No.
Miriam: Nice.
Carlton: Wait, so, Martin, you knew that today would happen?
Martin: Well, I didn’t know exactly what would happen, but one way or another, something by way of the supernatural always tends to happen in Hanesbury. Actually, of all of the chaotic occurrences in this town, I would put this group at the bottom of the list.
Carlton: What do you mean?
Martin: I’ll tell you inside.
(The group exits the car to see an enormous estate like something out of The Great Gatsby.)
Carlton: Holy shit.
Ginnie: Can you still call a place a “house” if it’s this huge?
Carlton: I didn’t think anybody this rich lived around here.
Jack: In Hanesbury?
Carlton: In New England.
Martin: I know it’s, uh...grandiose, but it’s been in the family so long, my parents wouldn’t know what to do without it. So, whenever they’re away, which is most of the time, they task me with staying here and keeping an eye on things—the house and the town.
(He opens the front door.)
Martin: There we go. Sometimes the door gets stuck. You know, old house.
(The group walks down a long hallway.)
Carlton: I thought a place like this would have a butler or something to answer the door.
Martin: There have been locals who’ve come by to do some odd jobs now and again, but otherwise there hasn’t been a staff around in years. My family has always believed in doing things for ourselves. Besides, not having many people lingering around here is probably an advantage considering my newest business venture.
Miriam: Which is what, exactly?
Martin: I think I could explain it better in the library.
Ginnie: You have a library?
Martin: Well, sure. Although there’s only a few of us around to ever use it. Feel free to look around if you like.
(Martin opens the doors to the library. It’s extensive.)
Ginnie: Oh wow.
Carlton: Hey, bet you wish the town library was like this, huh kid?...Uh, kid?
Elliot: Hmm? Oh, erm, yes, it is very impressive. But I am not really the covetous type. No, I am satisfied enough with the town’s collection, however humble it may be, and wouldn’t want to abase myself by fawning over—Oh my gosh is that an original edition of De Humani Corporis Fabrica with notes from Vesalius in the margins!?!
Martin: Oh, yes. My grandfather was very into rare books. Seems like the librarian was right when she mentioned how perceptive you were, doctor. You can take a look at it if you—
Elliot: Hehe!
Martin: and you’re already running right past me. Well, I’m glad you’re interested in the place.
Algy: Hey, Marty. What’s this shelf over here?
Martin: That is actually what I brought you all here to discuss...and like I’ve told you before, Algy, you can call me Martin.
Algy: Yeah sure, so what is it Marty?
Martin: [*sigh*] That is an archive of all of Hanesbury’s town records, official and unofficial.
Miriam: All of them?
Martin: Everything from since the town was founded back in 1785.
Carlton: And the town knows you have this?
Martin: It was never meant to be a secret. I’m not trying to hide anything here, Mr. Carlton. If anything, I’m trying to get the truth out in the open.
Carlton: And I’m guessing that now is a good time for you to stop being cryptic and tell us why we’re here?
Martin: Definitely.
(He puts a stack of books down on a table in front of the group.)
Martin: As you all know, Hanesbury has a history of preternatural disturbances.
Jack: Yes, but, it’s not like any of them are real.
Algy: Yeah. Somebody says they see a ghost, everyone freaks out about it, nobody finds a ghost, it all dies down.
Miriam: This coming from the guys who were involved in a superpowered brawl less than an hour ago?
Carlton: Wait, Prior, are you saying that you believe in that stuff?
Miriam: As a matter of fact, I do. And I’ve seen enough in my life to know it’s all true.
Martin: Look, I understand how you might be skeptical. I used to be the same way. My grandparents would tell the classic horror stories to scare kids at the family reunions, but at the end of the day, we’d all dismiss it as tall tales and jokes…Until you actually start seeing ghosts and monsters lurking around where you least expect them. It’s all here in these records. Witches, sea serpents, poltergeists, fairies, thunderbirds—this town has seen it all.
Carlton: Right…By any chance, are you the kind of rich guy that people call “eccentric?”
Martin: Fine, you don’t have to believe me. Although I’d frankly love to hear your explanation of how everyone in this room is capable of what you’ve seen so far today.
Carlton: Where’d you want me to start? The vampire girl, the “fastest man alive”, or his brother, “the incredible growing man?”
Algy: “Fastest man alive?” Aw man, how come I’ve never thought of using that?!?
Jack: Maybe because you tend to miss the obvious.
Martin: He might not be the only one. You can change size?
Miriam: You didn’t know that?
Martin: No, but I knew about the shapeshifting.
Carlton: The what?
Jack: I think he’s talking about this—
(A vague “whoosh” sound, and Jack changes into an identical version of Carlton.)
Jack (in Carlton’s voice): I don’t do this much, especially because I can only do it if I’ve got something visual to work off of, like a picture or something.
(Jack shifts back to normal.)
Jack: Plus, it’s not really that useful.
Algy: Not if you ever listened to any of my ideas—
Jack: Sorry, not really that useful for anything legal.
Carlton: How the hell would Martin even catch you doing that? How did he catch any of you? I’ve been here for months and I didn’t even know you existed until today.
Martin: Oh, um, if you all don’t mind my saying so—to be brief, I mean...Well, I hired Orville last summer to help me renovate part of the house and he telepathically caught me when I accidentally fell off a ladder.
Orville: At that point I just decided to tell him everything. He is a very understanding person.
Jack: Agh! How long have you been behind me?
Orville: Maybe I should get louder shoes.
Martin: My family has known Jack and Algernon’s for years. They were invited to a party my parents hosted here a few years ago, and I accidentally stumbled across them having a very drunk, very superpowered argument in the wine cellar—
Algy: No regrets.
Jack: Maybe for you.
Martin: And then, there’s—
(The door opens, and a young woman rushes in.)
Liza: Hey, Martin! Sorry I’m late! I was working in the garden and didn’t see your message until, like ten minutes ago.
Martin: It’s alright, Liza. I was actually about to mention you.
Liza: Wow, this really is an interesting group. Hey everybody. I’m Liza.
Carlton: And the cast of this waking nightmare keeps getting bigger. Who are you now? The homicidal housekeeper?
Liza: No, but based on the massive text from Martin that I skimmed on the way here, I’m going to assume you’re Carlton. Nice to meet you.
Carlton: I, uh…Sure, why not?
Martin: And for the record, my parents invited Liza to stay here some time ago. She’s like family.
Liza: Hah, thanks. Now let me see. I recognize some of you from around town. Hi Miriam, love the new bowie knife. I’d love to check it out when you get a minute.
Miriam: After the way you embarrassed the suit back there, feel free to borrow it whenever you want.
Liza: Deal…So I guess that means you’re Virginia.
Ginnie: Yes, but you can call me Ginnie! Yay! I was starting to think me and Miriam were gonna be the only girls here! Now we can all be besties!
Miriam: What?
Ginnie: I am so excited!
(She pulls Liza into a powerful hug)
Liza: Uh, sounds great. Wow, you are really strong.
Ginnie: Aw, thank you!
Liza: You’re welcome—oh, almost didn’t see you there Orville. Nice to have you over again. How’ve you been?
Orville: Fine.
Liza: Wow, that’s the most I’ve gotten out of you in a while. (to Jack) And I guess that means you’re Jack.
Jack: Yeah. Hello.
Liza: So then this must be—
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: Algernon Graham.
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: Fastest man alive.
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: How are you?
Liza: Not interested?
Algy: I really can’t catch a break today.
Liza: Well, at least you made some new friends…Ok, moving right along here…Oh, sorry. I don’t think I remember seeing your name—
Elliot (stunned): Erm—
Liza: Hey are you ok?
Elliot: Erm—itz—er—b—I—
Martin: Liza, the young man stammering in front of you is Dr. Elliot Quaid.
Liza: Oh you’re the doctor. You’re a lot younger than I thought you’d be. How old are you?
Elliot: Erm, well, erm, technically I’m twenty-three, but—I mean, er—how old are you—oh no wait, you don’t have to answer that!
Liza: [*laughs*] It’s ok. Twenty-two—I mean, like, that’s how old I am, if you really want to know...and it’s nice to meet you.
Elliot: Likewise, Miss Liza...heh.
Carlton: Jeez kid. So, Liza, I take it you’re a part of this mess too? Can you, I dunno, fly or something?
Algy: I’d like to see that.
Liza: Uh no, but I can do this.
(A “spst” sound, and a pinkish mist shoots out of her hand and into Algy’s face.)
Algy: Woo, that is new.
(He falls to the floor, totally unconscious.)
Miriam: Shooting knock-out gas from your hands? Think you can teach me to do that?
Liza: I don’t think so. I was born with it. I can do more than just knock people out though. Really, any biological response is fair game. That’s why I’m a fan of gardening. Plants are way easier to take care of when you can control how they grow yourself. Hey Martin, have you shown them the stuff yet?
Martin: I was just about to.
(Martin opens up one of the books. Mystical music plays in the background.)
Everyone (sans Algy): Whoa.
Algy: Whad’I miss?—Whoa.
Carlton: Oh you’ve gotta be kidding me. Is that supposed to be a—
Ginnie: TREASURE MAP!!! I’ve always wanted to go treasure hunting!
Liza: Really?
Ginnie: Well I’ve heard a lot of stories about it. And they always make it sound so fun!
Miriam: And so deadly. How many of those stories do you know where there isn’t some kind of body count?
Ginnie: Wha?
Carlton: You talk about it like it actually has anything to do with us, which it doesn’t. None of this does!...Unless…Oh god, that’s it, isn’t it?
Ginnie: What?
Carlton: Think about it. Mister The Martin Henrickson here’s got a bunch of weird mysteries to solve, and he’s clearly got money to throw around. But he can’t do it by himself. So what does he do? Bring in a bunch of suckers with special skills so he doesn’t have to get his hands dirty. This is some kind of freaky game of X-Men meets The X-Files!
Martin: I don't think I’d put it that way, but yes. I appreciate you bringing me back to the point, Carlton. This town has been through a lot of things people still can’t explain, and maybe it’s about time there was an organization that could look into it all. And it occurred to me that the right people to deal with something so unusual should probably be a little unusual themselves. Sure, you all might’ve caused some serious destruction to several square feet of town property today, but that’s because you were working against each other. Think about what you could prevent by working together.
Carlton: Nice pitch. Not that I’m not flattered, but I’m gonna have to say no.
Miriam: As much as I hate to say it, I’m with the suit on this one. I have a business to keep up, and it’s hard enough to get people to trust you when you deal in things that could literally tear them a new one—
Ginnie: I’m in!
Miriam: You are?
Ginnie: Sure! Use my power for good? Have a steady job? Make amazing friends!?! I’m IN!
Algy: Then I am definitely in.
Miriam: Do you aim to bother every woman close to you, or do you have some kind of schedule?
Algy: I’m very big on taking risks.
Jack: Algy, we don’t even live here. We have lives, jobs—
Algy: You have a job. I was smart enough to keep my options open. That’s why we have money.
Jack: So much of what you just said is wrong. You’ve made a lot of impulsive choices, but you are not going to drag me into—
Algy: I’m not being impulsive. Think about it like this: you always want me to do something good? Why not this? And it’s a paying job! I’m assuming?
Martin: Yes, including room and board.
Miriam: Room and board?
Martin: Well, um, yes. This place is spacious enough as it is, and since these mysterious dealings happen so often and so randomly—I thought the best thing would be to offer you a place to stay here…Although I think you might be forgetting another very compelling reason to take up this business proposition—
Elliot: I’m sorry to interrupt, Mr. Henrikson, but I don’t think that I can participate in this endeavor. For personal reasons, you understand.
Liza: Really Elliot? I thought you would’ve loved the research opportunity, as a doctor I mean. And lord knows we could use a doctor around here. I’d be grateful to have one around.
Elliot: Alright, maybe I could stay for a short while.
Martin: But I really think you might want to consider—
Miriam: Wait, wait, so with this room and board thing, would we be able to uh...bring someone along, if need be?
Martin: You mean Rachel?
Miriam: Yes.
Martin: Of course you can bring her. I wouldn’t put you out like that. But I’d also like to mention—
Miriam: Ok, I’m in.
Martin: Great, but—
Carlton: Well, I’m still not. I may not have a job now, but I bet I can find one more rooted in reality than this.
Martin: But—
Orville: I don’t think getting me involved in this is a good idea.
Liza: Aw, don’t say that Orville. You’re smart, tough, and you’re the only person I know who can sneak in and out of a place without being noticed—I mean I don’t think that last one is intentional, but—
Martin: May I remind you of the aforementioned property damage? I would hope that you’d at least consider this—team, I guess you could call it—as a way to make up for that...I mean, I was the one who primarily invested in those renovations, and I’d be happy to do it again, but I thought that, symbolically this might give you all a clear conscience. Right?
Jack: [*sigh*] I’m in.
Algy: Yes! Count me in too.
Ginnie: Me three!
Miriam: Sure.
Orville: Ok.
Elliot: Erm, well, I would hate to disappoint anyone, especially the entire town.
Liza: What about you, Carlton?
Carlton: I’ll think about it.
Ginnie: Aw!
Algy: Oh, come on!
Elliot: Oh.
Carlton: What! I’m not gonna invest my time and energy in something just because everyone else is doing it!
Algy: That’s the only reason to do anything!
Carlton: Ok, so if your friends went and jumped off a—
Algy: The answer is “Yes, as long as the bridge and/or cliff doesn’t exceed a height of ten feet.”
Jack: Don’t even try to fight him on it. He’s been working on that answer for years.
Martin: Alright, if Carlton doesn’t want to make any commitments, that’s his prerogative.
Miriam: Martin’s right. Even though Carlton clearly sucks—
Carlton (overlapping): Seriously what is your problem with me? Was your dad a lawyer or something?
Miriam: we can’t let that get in the way of what us much nobler and generally better people have decided to do. So Martin, when do we start?
Martin: I was actually thinking right now, seeing as there is a treasure map with a mysterious history right in front of us.
Miriam: Sounds like a plan. Care to give us some background?
Martin: Absolutely! Um [*ahem*], According to my research, back in the 1800s, there was a highwayman who managed to rob many of Hanesbury’s citizens. He was eventually caught, perishing in a shootout with local authorities, but the stolen loot was never found. Legend has it he had a secret hideout underground to hide the spoils of his work, and that his spirit likely haunts it to this very day.
Carlton: Ok, pretty standard, unoriginal ghost story. Where does the map come in?
Martin: Sorry, I was getting to that. [*deep breath*] Legend also says that the phantom highwayman marked the entrance to his hideout on a single map of the town, hidden amongst its own records—well, until now. I think that this might be that map.
Elliot (peering at map): It appears to be printed on vellum—I’d date it around 1830 or so.
Liza: That makes sense. Looks like you have a good eye for artifacts too, huh?
Elliot: What? Oh, erm, yes, artifacts. Yes. Those.
Martin: Well this artifact not only gives us the chance to solve one of Hanesbury’s most elusive mysteries, but it also puts us in a position to acquire some valuable—
Algy: Yes! Told you this would pay off, Jack! Shall we discuss who gets what cut of the treasure, or should we wait until after we find it? Because I’m not so sure everybody’s gonna make it out in one piece, if you know what I mean.
Martin: I actually thought that we could invest whatever was down there back into the town, considering that’s where it came from to begin with.
Algy: Oh…
Jack: Hey, you’re the one who wanted to do something good. Welcome to the High Road; hope you brought a change of shoes, because it is a long walk.
Liza: Ok, so say we find the entrance to this underground lair. How are we supposed to get in there, make our way to the treasure, and get it all the way back here?
Miriam: And avoid the death traps that I’m assuming we’ll hit on the way?
Martin: Funny you should bring that up. I happen to know someone who can help. He’s smart, a talented researcher and the best inventor I know.
Liza: Wait, Martin, you don’t mean—
Martin: That I do. Would you mind showing everyone downstairs for an introduction?
Liza: Uh, ok Martin. If you think they’re ready for it.
Carlton: Uh, what do you mean, “ready for it?”
Liza: Um, you see, it’s just that, Frank’s kind of an...interesting person.
Carlton: Interesting compared to...?
Liza: Ok, ok, I know that today has already been super weird, but...just be ready to cover your ears, ok?
Elliot: Cover our ears?
Liza: Trust me. You’ll be thanking me for it later.
(Cut to a few minutes later. Liza stands at a door.)
Liza: Ok, here we are. Frank’s home laboratory—well, if you can really call this place his home...Maybe I should just get the door.
(She opens the door to reveal a massive laboratory.)
Ginnie: Ooh.
Carlton: See, when I think “home laboratory,” I think a chemistry set and a toolbox in some guy’s garage. But you really do go all out here, don’t you?
Liza: Psh, this is nothing. But I mean, to be fair, Frank makes a lot of it himself.
Carlton: Oh right, that guy. Where is he, exactly?
(Rock music blasts through an elaborate speaker system.)
Carlton (yelling): WHAT THE HELL?!?
Frank: HEYOOOOO! HOW’RE WE DOIN’ EV’RYBODY?!? MARTIN SAID YOU’D BE COMING BY! FRANK EPSTEIN AT YOUR SERVICE!
Liza: HEY FRANK! PERMISSION TO ENTER THE LAB?
Frank: PERMISSION GRANTED! OBVIOUSLY! YOU LIKE THE MUSIC?!? THOUGHT I’D GO FOR A BIG ENTRANCE! [*wild laughter*]
Carlton: HE’S NUTS.
Liza: HE’S NOT NUTS. JUST, INTERESTING.
Miriam: NO, HE’S NUTS. I THOUGHT THE NAME SOUNDED FAMILIAR. HE’S THE MAD SCIENTIST.
Carlton: THE WHAT?
Miriam: THE FEW PEOPLE IN TOWN WHO’VE ACTUALLY MET THE GUY CALL HIM “FRANKENSTEIN.”
Frank: YUP! AND YOU GOTTA ADMIT, IT’S PRETTY AWESOME!
Miriam: I DON’T THINK IT’S A COMPLIMENT.
Frank: WHAT?!?
Miriam: I SAID, I DON’T THINK—OK, CAN YOU TURN DOWN THE MUSIC?!?
Frank: WHAT?!?
Liza: FRANK, TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
Frank: OH GOTCHA! TURNING MUSIC OFF!
(Music stops.)
Frank: So what can I do for ya?
Carlton: We, um, came here to get some equipment. We need to get underground to look for—
Frank: Oh, you’re talkin’ about the treasure hunt! No problem! I’ve got a ton of stuff around here that could help you out! Just give me a sec here—
(He starts digging through piles of gadgets, tools, and various other items.)
Frank: Oh, hey, if you guys are hungry, I just made some popcorn. Here, let me grab it—
(He opens a furnace and pulls out a small skillet containing popcorn.)
Elliot: Erm, did you cook that popcorn in a furnace?
Frank: Yes. Your point?
Elliot: Is that safe?
Frank: Absolutely.
Elliot: But it looks like you’ve also got some potentially volatile chemicals being heated in there...at the same time…
Frank: And microwave popcorn is made with radiation. Not really seeing your case here.
Carlton: Ok, I have so many questions right now. The main one being, why the hell did Martin think it was a good idea to hire you?
Frank: Hey look, I don’t see a reason to get into serious exposition here. I think they’ve heard enough—
Miriam: Eh, you have a day like we’ve had, you put up with a lot of background stuff—
Frank: No, not you guys. Those guys.
Carlton: Who?
Frank: You know. Them. The people listening to us right now.
Carlton: Wait, we’re being spied on?
Frank: I wouldn’t say spied on. Just being...listened to, out of a...need for entertainment? Or curiosity? Or maybe they just fell down the internet rabbit hole and ended up here. I’d say they’re like our...audience...yeah...
Liza: Uh, Frank?
Frank: Huh?
Liza: You were getting us some equipment?
Frank: Oh yeah, right! Comin’ right up!
(Frank continues with his frantic searching.)
Carlton: Nuts.
Liza: Not nuts.
Carlton: Oh really? By his logic, maybe we should give it a rest and let the invisible people go treasure hunting. You think they're also the ones telling him to use mad science to cook?
Algy (eating the popcorn): Actually, it’s not bad.
Jack: Algy! Why would you eat that!?!
Algy: He said it was safe. Come on, Jack. Have a little faith.
Jack: Ohh my god…
Algy: Anybody else?
(Frank returns with his arms full of bulky gadgets.)
Frank: Ok, so who’s the weapons expert here?
Miriam: Me.
Carlton: Expert? Really? Psh, talk about ego.
Miriam: Oh like you’re so humble.
Liza: Here we go again.
Carlton: I’m just saying you’re not the only one who knows their way around a weapon.
Miriam: Please, I was seconds away from running you through earlier today and you know it!
Frank: Ohh, so you’ve got that whole hostility thing going on. This like, a romantic and/or sexual tension thing?
Carlton: What?
Miriam: NO.
Frank: Ok, ok! Got it. Not that kind of relationship!...It’s totally that kind of relationship. They’ll be together within the year.
Ginnie: Aw! So cute!
Miriam: Oh my god—Maybe just show me what you’ve got, Frankenstein?
Frank: Ok!
(He reveals a strange-looking device.)
Frank: Whadya think? Pretty cool, right? Huh? Huh?
Miriam: What is it? Some kind of messed up crossbow?
Frank: CROSSBO—crossb—CROSSBOW?!? Oh-ho no, ma’am! Anybody with some wood and a decent toolshed can make one of those—A true SCIENTIST and INVENTOR makes THIS!
Miriam: You could’ve just said “no”.
Frank: I call this, the ONE-PERSON ARSENAL—formerly called the “One-Man Arsenal”, but that seemed kinda non-inclusive, so yeah—THE ONE-PERSON ARSENAL!!! This baby can shoot almost any projectile you can think of. All you gotta do is scroll through that little menu on the stock there—
(Miriam does so, and the OPA makes some random techy noises.)
Miriam: Hmm...arrows, nets, bolts, grenades? How do you fit everything in there?
Frank: Aw, y’know, just this new tech I’ve been working on. Modulation of particle densities to fit in extradimensional space—
Miriam: So like a shrink ray?
Frank: Eh, it’s a little more complicated than...huh. I guess it is a little like a shrink ray! How about that? Sure! Call it a shrink ray!
Miriam: Wha—HARPOONS!?! I can definitely get behind that! How do I…
Frank: Pull the trigger once to select something, pull it again to shoot.
(Miriam does so, and the harpoon lands in the wall a few inches above Carlton’s head.)
Carlton: Agh! Would you quit it with the “almost shooting me through the head” bit? It’s not even threatening anymore—just really annoying.
Miriam: Actually, I didn’t mean to miss that time. Been a while since I launched a harpoon.
Carlton: Frankenstein, for my and everyone else’s sake, tell me you have more gear to hand out.
Frank: You got it! Where’s the fast guy?
(“Thwip!”)
Algy: You rang?
Frank: OH, THAT IS AWESOME!
Algy: I know. Anything else you’d like to say, specifically in the complement department?
Frank: NOPE! But you can have these shoes I made ya—they’re just a prototype pair, but—
Algy: They look, uh—
Jack: Austere.
Algy: I was actually going to say stup—
Frank: Stupendous!?! Aw, thanks buddy! Here ya go!
(The hands the shoes off to Algy.)
Algy: Whoa!...They’re a little heavy.
Frank: Uh, yeah! The soles are full of lead!
Algy: Why?
Frank: I thought the extra weight might reign in those crazy fast feet of yours? Hopefully reduce the chance of friction so you don’t set any more stuff on fire—Serious respect, by the way. Usually it takes me way more effort to start a fire.
Algy: And your best solution was “lead shoes”?
Elliot: More importantly, you admittedly partake in arson?
Frank: Only when it’s for the benefit of science! And hey, I said the shoes were prototypes. Ok, now I have some other stuff around here—
(More fumbling noises.)
Frank: I’ve got a medical kit for the doc, this hair clip with an intangible invisible sunshield for Miss Virginia Vampire, just in case—
Ginnie: Ooh!
Frank: And, uh—ooh! Liza, here are some capsules you can load with that mist of yours, um...I dunno, anybody want spelunking equipment?
Jack: Considering that we’re looking for an underground treasure, I’d say we’ll take everything you have in that department.
Frank: You got it! ORVILLE! IS THERE ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE BEFORE THE START OF THIS GRAND ADVENTURE!?!
Orville: Silence, preferably.
Frank: Aw, I was hoping you were gonna ask for, like, a special explosive you could only set off telekinetically or something—BUT NO MATTER! And now for our leader, Carlton—
Carlton: Whoa, hold it there, Frankenstein. Who said I was a leader?
Frank: Nobody, but...I dunno, you seem like the leader type.
Carlton: Why?
Frank: I mean, sure pop culture has luckily been making strides toward the contrary, but if ya look at it from the perspective of a very unoriginal corporate entertainment executive: You’re a Young Straight White Guy in Good Physical Shape; Law Background, Strong Sense of Conviction, Intense Denial About Any Kind of Emotional Vulnerability—
Carlton: I’d shut up now, if I were you—
Frank: And Not Afraid to Threaten People! That’s some serious mid-budget action film potential right there! Anyway, here ya go!
(He tosses him a gun.)
Carlton: Whoa—what the hell?!?
Miriam: It’s called a gun. You fire it.
Carlton: I know what a gun is—but why are you giving me one?
Frank: Sorry, did I not read that right? I thought firearms were common in these kinds of high-stakes situations…
Carlton: So what if they are? I’m still not a fan, alright?
Frank: Ok, not a problem! And chance it would be better if I gave you one that shot lasers instead of bullets or something? That’s a sure fire way to get past the censors, no pun intended—
Carlton: You know what? I’ll take it. I mean, it’s not like I’m even gonna use it anyway—
Frank: I wouldn’t be so sure about that.
Elliot: Why not?
Frank: Haven’t you ever seen any movies!?! Where there is treasure, there are treasure hunters: corrupt, low-down, and dirty ones.
Orville: But this isn’t a movie.
Frank: Well duh, movies have pictures. We’re in sound only.
(A beat. Nobody has a clue what Frank’s talking about.)
Frank: I’m just saying, this may be a small town, but that won’t stop criminals from tracking it down…
(Scene changes to a dark, foggy road leading into Hanesbury. A beaten up old car approaches, the engine audibly sputtering and dying out. A door opens, and two people exit the car.)
Delia: Of course! Of goddamn course! No good, run down piece of—
Nate: Delia, remember what the social worker said, about taking a second to breathe. Y’know, getting rid of the negative energy.
Delia: Which time? When I stapled his tie to the wall, or when I sliced his hand with the letter opener?
Nate: Letter opener. How’d you even do that? I’m pretty sure prison personnel know better than to keep letter openers in their offices.
Delia: Debra Sue in the northeast block owed me a favor...How are we looking?
(The car’s engine lets out a large exhaust sound before dying out again.)
Nate: Not good.
Delia: Agh! Dammit!
(She slams her fist on the side of the car, which lets out another pathetic sound in response.)
Nate: Just a thought, maybe don’t punch the car?
Delia: It had it coming—First thing we do after we cash that treasure: get a car that works.
Nate: Hey, I think this one’s treated us pretty well. I mean, it’s not its fault it was already falling apart when we, uh...casually borrowed it.
Delia: For the love of—Nate, we stole it! Are you seriously so weak you still can’t admit that!?!
Nate: I mean, I like to think that one day we might return it.
Delia: Nate, you promised me way back when we were kids that you’d have my back, no matter what, right?
Nate: Yes?
Delia: And part of having my back is owning up to having my back.
Nate: I was six when I made that promise!
Delia: And it’s been over twenty years since then! Look how well you’re doing! It’d be a shame to bail now! So look me in the eye and admit that we stole this car! You helped me bust out of prison, we ran to an elementary school, and we stole it!
Nate: Oh my god we took it from someone who helps children for a living!
(Delia hits him, slapstick style.)
Nate: OW! That hurt…
Delia: Yeah it did! Wanna go for another round?
Nate: Like when we were kids?...Fine, we stole it.
Delia: Thank you. Now hurry up and fix that engine. We’ve gotta find a spot to set up camp so we can get an early start tomorrow morning. And if we could do it while the cops are distracted it wouldn’t hurt either. At least we got lucky that some idiot wrecked the town and tied up all the local authorities.
Nate: Yeah, and who knows. Maybe when we get the treasure, we can buy the authorities out. And maybe get that teacher or whoever a nice mid-size sedan…
Delia: Shut up, Nate.
Nate: Ok.
(The scene shifts back to the Henrickson estate.)
Ginnie: Ok, I’m heading home! See everybody bright and early tomorrow for our first job as a team! Ooooh this is so exciting!
Carlton: So we’re really doing this.
Ginnie: Uh huh!
Carlton: We’re not gonna train first? Like, not even a crash-course in treasure hunting—the real kind, not just the stuff in movies.
Ginnie: We’ll be fine! See you tomorrow, leader!
Carlton: I’m not your—aw, screw it.
Liza: Hey Carlton.
Carlton: Hey, uh...you.
Liza: Liza.
Carlton: Right. Look, whatever you have to tell me, can it wait until tomorrow?
Liza: It won’t take long, I swear. I just wanted to say I really hope you stick around.
Carlton: Why?
Liza: I guess, well, somebody has to keep everybody grounded here. I think you could do it.
Carlton: Sure you don’t wanna rethink that?
Liza: Ok, so you come across as a little abrasive. But you’re also not afraid to call people out when things go too far. I think that counts for something.
Carlton: How can you say all that? You barely know me.
Liza: Sometimes you can just tell. The same way you can tell when you might not have given someone a fair chance…
Carlton: A fair chance at what?
Liza: Oh, don’t worry about it! Sorry, I promised you this wouldn’t take long. I’ll leave you alone now. See you tomorrow.
Carlton: See you tomorrow…
(As Liza leaves, Miriam walks by.)
Carlton: Oh, hey.
Miriam: Hey?
Carlton: Hey. I thought I’d ask, I mean I was wondering—
Miriam: Yeah?
Carlton: So, uh...who’s Rachel? Like, your...girlfriend, or—
Miriam: No, I’m...not seeing anybody. And even if I was, it’s none of your business.
Carlton: Hey, I’m just trying to make conversation. If we’re gonna be stuck working together we should at least try to be civil about it. So we didn’t meet on great terms, but now maybe we can try to start over…I’m Carlton. First name, not important. And you are?
Miriam: Out of here.
(She starts to walk away.)
Carlton: Hey! How am I the one trying to be sensitive here? You know I hope Rachel, whoever she is, figures out how crazy you are and dumps you before it’s too late!
Miriam: YOU TAKE THAT BACK! LISTEN TO ME AND LISTEN GOOD, SUIT! I’LL WORK WITH YOU, IF I HAVE TO, BUT I WILL NEVER CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU! YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT MY LIFE, AND I’D PREFER NOT TO KNOW ABOUT YOURS! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!
(She storms off.)
Carlton: Ok...tomorrow is gonna be interesting.
