Episode Transcript
Heinous Investigations
Episode 6: Ghostfish! (Part II)
(The sound of crashing waves, then—)
Liza: [*screams*]!
Miriam: Ohhhh my god! Ok, ok, don’t freak out. It’s just your friend being dragged away in a net by an invisible force. It’s only a fishing boat. How far can she go? I’ve got this Liza! Hold on!
(Liza is thrown overboard…and then swims back to the boat.)
Liza: I’m ok! I’m ok! The net came loose when I hit the water. I think the waves took it.
Miriam: Ugh. There goes my proof…But at least you’re ok.
(Sound of waves and thunder. Cut to below deck.)
Orville: Do you know anything about engines?
Carlton: Nope. You?
Orville: No.
Carlton: And I really don’t want radioing the psycho inventor to be our first option. So, I guess we’ll wing it. Can you get me the toolbox from that shelf back there?
(Orville goes to reach for the toolbox, but—)
Orville: Ow.
Carlton: What?
Orville: The toolbox hit me in the head.
Carlton: You mean it slipped out of your hands, or—
Orville: No. It flew off the shelf and hit me in the head.
Carlton: Uh—
Miriam (from above deck): Hey, Carlton! You may want to put that engine repair on hold and get up here.
(Thunder strikes again and we cut to the other boat with Elliot, Frank, and Ginnie.)
Elliot: Alright, so I’ll stay by the radio, as well as read through these sources containing Hanesbury’s maritime statutes. Frank, perhaps you and Ms. Kelly could observe the water for any unusual activity and...erm, are either of you listening?...[*sigh*] Erm, I suppose that I’ll just start reading then? Hmm...
(He opens his books and starts reading.)
Ginnie: I know what you’re doing Frank.
Frank: What?
Ginnie: You are not going to ruin Elliot and Liza’s relationship before it even starts.
Frank: What about Elliot’s and my epic friendship? I got him to be my Science Buddy first—ergo, I have dibs.
Ginnie: You can’t call “dibs” on people.
Frank: Why not?
Ginnie: Because it’s selfish, Frank! And super immature! And kinda weird! I mean, if Elliot really is your friend—
Frank: “Science Buddy”—name patent pending—but continue—
Ginnie: You’d want him to be happy. And you and I both know that being with Liza would make him happy.
Frank: Psh, yeah, happy and stupid.
Ginnie: Frank—
Frank: Ok, you’re right...But if the whole thing implodes you can not trust me with the fallout. Last time I tried to help somebody out of a breakup, I ended up having to find a place to dump forty pygmy rabbits, two crates of Canadian fireworks and an amount of banana pudding the FDA described as “an unexpected potential biohazard”. Hah! Man, that was a CRAZY five hours—
Ginnie: Yeah, ok, I’ll take care of it. Just promise me that you’re serious about not sabotaging any more potential relationships.
Frank: You got it, lady!
Ginnie: Good. Now maybe we can try to focus on helping Elliot get Liza’s attention.
Elliot: I must say that you both are missing out on some fascinating information regarding Hanesbury’s history! Gosh, I love research!
Ginnie: At least he doesn’t have any problems expressing love for things...I guess we should probably talk to him about this, huh?
Frank: Ugh, that sounds like a lot of work. Can’t we just cut to the other boat so we don’t have to do anything?
Ginnie: What are you talking abo—
(Thunder. Back to the other boat.)
Carlton: Jeez, what happened to you guys? You’re both soaked.
Liza: The ghostfish attacked us. They dragged me overboard.
Miriam: And then I jumped in to grab this.
(She drops a mangled mess of something rope-like on the floor.)
Carlton: A net?
Miriam: The net the ghostfish destroyed and then tried to use to murder Liza!
Carlton: You jumped overboard for a net?
Liza: I know it sounds crazy. But I promise, it really happened. There was nothing else that could’ve thrown me like that. There are definitely ghostfish out there.
Carlton: I’m sorry, am I the only one still hung up on the net thing? I’m just having a really hard time getting past that.
Miriam: It was fine. I can handle a little water. And if you want more evidence, you should see what Liza and I found when we got back here.
(The sound of a small, bulky object being dragged by Miriam.)
Carlton: A minifridge.
Miriam: Looks like Clay and his friends like to keep food in here. You might want to check inside.
(Carlton opens the fridge.)
Carlton: Ugh. What the hell is that? Is it supposed to be food?
Liza: It’s a chocolate cake. And yeah, it’s not pretty.
Orville: It’s full of holes.
Miriam: Not holes, bite marks. Guess the ghostfish like chocolate.
Liza: Makes sense to me. I’m pretty sure they couldn’t eat it when they were alive, so why wouldn’t they be obsessed with it now?
(Liza uses the radio.)
Liza: Hey, Elliot, you should make a note of that. Over.
Carlton: What? Uh, no kid. Don’t make a note of—
Elliot (via radio): Note—“Ghostfish like chocolate.” Over and Out.
Carlton: [*Frustrated sound*] How do we know it wasn’t a totally normal, living person who ate this thing? And I’m calling it a thing because I’m not even sure you can call it a cake at this point. I’m pretty sure if these things are supposed to be dead, they wouldn’t be able to eat.
Miriam: Ok, then how do you explain the residue all over it?
Carlton: Residue?
Miriam: [*scoffs*] Ectoplasm.
Carlton: What?
(A loud “BOOM!” The boat lurches.)
Carlton: Are you kidding me? This again?
Liza: I don’t think this is the boat rocking.
Orville: Something’s ramming us.
(They run out to see…something under the water.)
Liza: What is that?
Carlton: I don’t know. It’s under the water, I can’t see it.
(“BANG!” The mysterious force rams the boat again.)
Carlton: It’s gonna smash the hull!
Miriam: It’s trying to sink us!
(“BANG!”)
Liza: Wait—I have an idea! Orville, can you telekinesis that cake from the fridge to out here?
Orville: I don’t think “telekinesis” is a verb, but—
Liza: Orville just do it!
Orville: Ok.
(Orville does what she asks. The cake is floating out in the open.)
Miriam: Oh I get it. Good idea, Liza. Hey Carlton, bet you’re glad we brought these ghost traps now.
Carlton: You think Frankenstein’s stupid movie props actually work!?!
Miriam: Don’t think we have much of a choice once that thing in the water gets the scent of that cake!
Carlton: For the last time, there aren’t any—
(“SPLASH!” Something emerges from the water.)
Liza: Whoa.
Carlton: It’s...a fish.
Miriam: And…?
Carlton: It’s glowing. And floating.
Miriam: And…?
Carlton: You’re not gonna get me to say it.
Miriam: Oh come on! You know what, let’s just get this over with before it eats our only bait.
(She activates the ghost trap, and in a flurry of lights the ghostfish is sucked into it. The trap closes and powers down.)
Miriam: Yes! Got it!
Carlton: [*sound of discomfort*]
Miriam: Uh Carlton, you ok?
Carlton: Huh? Uh, yeah, y-yeah I-I’m fine, I just…[*retch*] I think it passed through me on the way in there. [*retch*]
Miriam: Are you sure? Because you look a little shaken up...almost like you’ve seen a gho—
Carlton: Finish that sentence, and I’ll drown myself in the ocean.
Miriam: Ok, ok, ok, but look at the bright side.
Carlton: Ugh, what bright side?
Miriam: Now you can say you actually believe in what you do for a living.
(Thunder. Back to the other boat, where Elliot looks out the window.)
Elliot: Ha! Did you see that!?! The trap actually worked! Frank, you—erm, why are you staring at me like that?
Frank: Like what?
Elliot: I’ve lived through several of history’s greatest atrocities. I know the look of someone who thinks that they’re looking at a doomed man.
Frank: Oh, doomed is putting it mildly, buddy.
Ginnie: Frank!
Frank: What!?! You’re the one who told me!
Elliot: Erm, pardon me—told you what?
Ginnie: Yeah, and you told me you were gonna stop acting crazy!
Elliot: Please, if is isn’t too much trouble, could someone please tell me what’s going—
Frank: I’ve always been crazy! You just made me worse!
Elliot (in his demonic voice): SHUT THE HELL UP AND TELL ME WHAT YOU’RE BOTH ON ABOUT, YOU IDIOTS! [*coughs*]...I’m sorry. But, I’m actually starting to grow concerned about you both. So, could you please tell me what it is about me that has got you both acting so irrational?
Ginnie: Wait, don’t tell me you don’t know.
Elliot: No. I have no idea as to what you could be referring.
Frank: Aw, buddy...I hate to tell ya this, but you’ve got it bad for Liza.
Elliot: [*sigh*]...Erm, “Got it bad”?
Frank: Ya know—you have the hots for her, you’re head over heels, you wanna get with—
Ginnie: You love her.
Elliot: Wh—psh, b-b-but—No. No. No, no, no, no, no...no.
(He continues to say “No” to himself.)
Frank: Hey, that’s the same thing I said.
Elliot: I—I’ve been on this earth for over a millennium, and in all of that time I have never had feelings of a romantic nature for anyone! I had just assumed that I had a sort of all-encompassing love for all things, or at the very least a prevalent indifference. How could that possibly have changed? No, I don’t think it ever could. I’m sorry to disappoint you both.
Frank: Uh...no, you're into her.
Ginnie: Really into her.
Frank: Seriously into her.
Ginnie: We made a list.
Elliot: A list?
Ginnie: Of things you do that prove you love her.
Frank: It’s actually pretty thorough. We worked hard on it. Uh, maybe we should just read it.
Ginnie: Good idea!
Elliot: Do you really believe in this idea that intensely?
Ginnie: Elliot, honey, we don’t just believe. We know. Everyone knows.
Elliot: Well, erm, alright. If you’re so certain. What is it exactly that I do...to convey my feelings?
Frank: Oh, one second! Uhh…
(Frank fumbles for a second and retrieves a piece of paper—the list.)
Frank: Ah! Ok, uh, one thing Ginnie noticed is that you, uh—hold on, let me read here—“You can’t hear somebody say her name without”—ugh, I can’t read this part.
Ginnie: Hmm? Oh—“sighing like a lovesick idiot.”
Elliot: Hmm. Well, I’m not sure that it is truly fair to imply that I react that way every time I hear her name. That is, this isn’t a romantic comedy film or a children’s cartoon, but a very real, subtle—
Ginnie: “Liza”.
Elliot: [*sighs longingly*]...Oh no.
Ginnie: Uh huh. And that’s not even all of it.
Elliot: It isn’t?
Frank: Nope. We also wrote that you “can’t get within five feet of her without stammering and losing about 93.86% of your coordination.” Heh! I did the numbers on that one.
Elliot: Oh no, no, no, no, no. I can’t have a romantic interest in Miss Liza [*sigh*]—No! We are contributors to this organization and mustn't let any feelings affect the quality of our work!
Frank: Wait, so you’re not gonna do anything about it?
Elliot: No.
Frank: AW COME ON! JUST WHEN I FINALLY GET INVESTED YOU’RE GONNA BACK OUT!?! Ugh! Lame!
Ginnie: What I think Frank means is that you can’t ignore your feelings. That never ends well—for, like, anybody.
Elliot: Do you really think that I should say something?
Ginnie: Yes, because you love her! And, you know, I think she might like you too.
Elliot: She d—oh dear. Oh, my, erm...What a dilemma—
(The storm around them gradually picks up.)
Ginnie: Looks like we might have a bigger one!
(A ghoshfish emerges from the water.)
Frank: GHOSTFISH! Quick turn on the trap!
Ginnie: Ok! Elliot, get Carlton on the radio!
Elliot: Right!
(But then he freezes in terror.)
Elliot: Erm, Ms. Kelly? I regret to inform you that, erm…
Ginnie: What is it, Elliot?
Elliot: There isn’t just one ghost.
Ginnie: Huh?
(Ginnie and Frank rush to the window to see a swarm of ghostfish surrounding their boat.)
Ginnie: Uh oh.
Elliot: There must be hundreds of them.
Ginnie: Uh huh.
Frank: I think we’re gonna need a bigger trap.
[Ginnie & Elliot: AAAAAAAHHH!
Frank (same time): CUT TO THE OTHER BOAT! CUT TO THE OTHER BOAT!]
(Cut to the other boat.)
Carlton: I can’t believe it. We trapped a—and Clay said there were more of these? How are we supposed to find and trap them all in one night?
(Miriam notices the nearby ghostfish ambush.)
Miriam: Don’t think that’ll be a problem, Carlton. Look!
Carlton: Whoa! Alright, guess it’s time to take some action! Aaaaaand the engine is still out.
Orville: Liza went down to check on it.
Carlton: What? When?
(The engine quickly revs back up, and Liza comes back on deck.)
Liza: A couple minutes after we caught the ghostfish. It wasn’t hard to fix.
Carlton: What’d you do?
Liza: Kicked it until it started again.
Carlton: Smart. Ok, let’s go save B Team! I can steer this thing. Prior, how many traps do we have?
Miriam: Not enough for all those fish!
Carlton: We’re gonna have to make it work!
(He radios the other boat.)
Carlton: B Team, come in! Come in, B Team! Over.
Frank (via radio): GHOSTFISH! TOO MANY GHOSTFISH!!! Over and aaaaahh they’re all over me! Ugh so slimy!
(The radio cuts out.)
Liza: Wait, don’t go any further. If we get too close to their boat, we’ll have ghostfish on top of us too.
Carlton: Well how are we supposed to get to them from all the way over here?
Liza: I think we’re gonna have to swim for it.
Miriam: Ok, traps are ready. What’s the plan, Carlton?
Carlton: Oh...right...plan…
Miriam: You didn’t come up with a plan!?! We’re feet away from a swarm of ghosts that are attacking our teammates and you don’t have a plan!?!
Carlton: Oh I’m sorry! I’ve been a little busy coping with the fact that a good chunk of what I knew about life—and what comes after—is a lie!
Miriam: Well, what do you suppose we do then?
Carlton: My first thought?
(He picks up and activates a ghost trap.)
Carlton: Rush in there brazenly without thinking ahead.
Miriam: But—
Carlton: Hope you can swim!
(He jumps overboard and starts swimming toward the other boat.)
Miriam: You know, what the hell?
(She dives into the water.)
Liza: Right behind you!
(She jumps in. Thunder strikes again. Carlton and crew climb onto the other boat.)
Miriam: Ok I’ll admit it. Not the worst start for not having a plan.
Carlton: Yeah well, I think how it goes from here is gonna depend on how many of these ghosts are still hanging arou—oh crap.
(Carlton turns to see Frank, Ginnie and Elliot trying their best to fend off the ghostfish.)
Ginnie: Hi Carlton! Wow, are we glad to see you guys!
Frank: Yeah! I gave Miriam almost all the traps!
Carlton: Well here, catch!
(Carlton tosses Frank a trap. He catches it.)
Frank: Hey thanks buddy!
(He fires up the trap and catches a ghostfish.)
Frank: Gotcha! Oh-ho yeah! That is awesome!
(Carlton throws traps to Ginnie and Elliot.)
Carlton: Ginnie, kid, here.
(Ginnie catches her trap.)
Ginnie: Thank you!
Elliot: Oh, no, no, wait, Mr. Carlton. I can’t catch—
(The trap hits Elliot in the head)
Elliot: Ow!
Miriam: So are we just going to throw traps around, or are we going to do our job!?!
Frank: HECK YEAH! I ain’t afraid of no g—oh, wait, copyright. Darnit! Whatever, LET’S DO THIS! [*laughs maniacally*]
(The team starts firing up traps like crazy, catching ghostfish right and left.)
Carlton: You know I’ll admit, Prior. I think I’m starting to see the upside of this whole “believing in ghosts” thing. Ugh.
Miriam: It’s way more fun than the alternative, isn’t it?
Carlton: Hey look out on your left!
(Before Miriam can trap another ghostfish, Orville appears out of nowhere and traps it himself.)
Orville: Got it.
Miriam: Orville? When did you get here?
Orville: Same time as you. I just levitated over here instead of swimming.
Miriam: Right...Wait, then why did you let us swim over here like idiots?
(Another ghost trap goes off.)
Orville: I was going to tell you, but you seemed pretty preoccupied at the time.
(Cut to Elliot who is trapping ghostfish very apologetically.)
Elliot: Sorry about that! Sorry!
Liza: Hey, don’t move! There’s one right behind you! Got it! You ok?
Elliot: D’I—eheh—csh—well—em—
Liza: I’ll take that as a “yes”?
Elliot: Psh! Yeh—hehe—erm—
Frank: He really does need our help on this, huh?
Ginnie: Oh, yeah. Totally.
Frank: Ya know, I think I’m gonna like being a wingman.
Ginnie: Me too!
(Just when it seems that our heroes may have the upper hand, they hit a major stumbling block.)
Carlton: Crap! I’m out of traps!
Liza: Me too!
Miriam: I think we’re down to the last one!
Ginnie: But there’s still ghosts left!
Carlton: That doesn’t mean it’s all over. Frankenstein, you think you can rig that trap to hold more than one ghost?
Frank: Aye Aye Cap’n! But it might take me a few minutes. Normally, I’d kill to be the distraction in this scenario—actually I’ve been preparing an elaborate juggling-slash-interpretive dance routine for such an occasion, but—
Carlton: Don’t worry about it. I’ve already got something in mind.
Miriam: Uh, what do you mean by “something”?
Carlton: Uh, I’m gonna be the distraction. I thought that was obvious.
(He jumps off the boat and swims away.)
Miriam: You know, saying something vague and then running off doesn’t make you look any more heroic! [*sigh*] We’re doomed.
Liza: More like he’s doomed. Look.
Miriam: What the hell is he doing?
Elliot: He appears to be holding something. Although, I haven’t the slightest idea what it is.
Carlton (yelling in background): Hey! Hey!
Ginnie: Wait, he’s yelling something.
Carlton: Hey! Ghost...fish...things! I’ve got something for ya!
Liza: Uh, Miriam, I think I know what he’s holding.
Miriam: Yeah me too...Chocolate cake.
Carlton: Hey, come on! Come and get it you dumb fish! Come on!
Miriam: Oh my god, it’s actually working.
Elliot: Erm, but if they’re all going for the cake, and Mr. Carlton is holding the cake, wouldn’t that put him in immediate danger?
(Ghostfish noises.)
Liza: Run Carlton! Run!
Carlton (in the distance): Aah! ANY TIME NOW, FRANKENSTEIN!
(Carlton runs around the boat, being chased by the swarm of ghostfish.)
Frank: ALMOST GOT IT!
(He activates the trap.)
Frank: BOOYAH! HEY CARLTON, WHAT DO YA WANT ME TO DO WITH—
Carlton: THROW IT! THROW IT! [*screams*]!
Frank: ARE YOU SURE? BECAUSE YOU’RE REALLY FAR AWAY, AND I’M NOT REALLY WHAT YOU’D CALL “ATHLETIC”, AND THIS THING ISN’T MEANT TO FLOAT—
Carlton: JUST THROW IT!
Frank: THROWING IT! H’YAH!
(Frank throws the trap and it lands in the water.)
Carlton: Ok, you want cake!?! Come get it!
(He jumps into the water.)
Liza: Uh, did he just jump off the boat?
Frank: Yep, and it looks like he took the ghostfish with ‘em. Man, that cake must be awesome.
Orville: How long do you think they’ll stay down there?
Miriam: Um, maybe I should go in after him? No—he—he’ll be fine...Right?
(The sea grows quiet. Then, a very large ghost trap sounds off. Shortly afterward, Carlton emerges from the water, holding up the ghost trap.)
Carlton: Psh! Heh! Hahaha! How’s that for somebody who doesn’t believe in ghosts!?!
Frank: Woo-hoohoohoohoohoo! AWESOME!
Ginnie: Yay!
Miriam: Not bad. Not bad at all.
(Buoy bells sound. Cut to the docks.)
Clay: So you got ‘em?
Carlton: As far as we know. But, just in case there are any still hanging around out there, you and your buddies might wanna consider tossing a bar or two of chocolate into the water every once in a while.
Clay: Chocolate?
Miriam: Trust us. It works.
Clay: Ok, whatever you say. Aw man, this is a huge relief. Anything we can do to repay you guys?
Carlton: You don’t need to give us any—
Miriam: Actually, we’d really appreciate it if you spread the word about this around town. It’d be nice not to have people openly avoid us for a change.
Clay: Oh yeah. You got it. People oughta know about you guys. I mean, you may not be the most normal bunch, but you know, maybe that’s what we need right now...I should, uh, probably let the others in on the news. Really, thanks for this.
(He runs off.)
Carlton: Huh, nice save. Don’t know why I didn’t think of it.
Miriam: You’re probably still a little waterlogged from that ridiculous move you made back there.
Carlton: Hey, it worked, didn’t it?
Miriam: Yeah, yeah it did...I kind of like the “crazy ghost hunter” bit. It suits you.
Carlton: Hah, thanks. Maybe this system we have, with me being the skeptic in charge and you being the right hand believer—I don’t think it’s working for us.
Miriam: I’d call that an understatement. How many times did your annoying disbelief get in our way tonight?
Carlton: Yeah, well, at least I didn’t almost shoot a guy because I thought he was a ghost.
Miriam: Ok, fair.
Carlton: [*laughs*] Right. So maybe this captain could use a little more than a first mate?
Miriam: How about a partner?
Carlton: Read my mind. Partners?
Miriam: Partners.
(Meanwhile, back at the van, Elliot inspects one of the full ghost traps.)
Elliot: Hmm…
Liza: Hey Elliot.
Elliot: Gah! Oh—erm—he-i—hey—hi—helloo—ksh—[*breathes*] Hello, Miss Liza. Come to rest after a long night of spectral pursuits?
Liza: No, I came by because I saw you sitting by the van alone looking at a ghost trap. I thought you could use some company. We’re not going to keep those ghostfish stuck in those things forever, are we?
Elliot: Oh—erm, well, I was actually just thinking—if even fish have the, erm, potential to exist in a phantasmal state, then, we can assume that there are likely other lifeforms that have that same potential, some of which we might encounter in the future. And, erm, we certainly can’t continue to simply trap them with little to no intention of release.
Liza: Do you think we can figure out a place to send them? Maybe if we used that setup you organized in the library?
Elliot: You know about my research system?
Liza: Uh, yeah. This isn’t the first time I’ve had nine roommates. I’m pretty good at caring about people and their hobbies.
Elliot: Oh.
Liza: Let me know if you ever need help. I’ve lived in that house long enough to know where a lot of the good stuff is hidden.
Elliot: Erm—yes! That would be great. You helping, that is. But, I will also let you know that, when it comes to libraries, I do have several years of experience. You’ll, psh, have to try hard to keep up—oh no, that sounds awful! I am so sor—
Liza: I think I can manage.
Carlton: Oof, that is hard to watch.
Miriam: Ugh, is he leaning on the van, or is he trying to scratch his back like a bear?
Ginnie: At least he’s talking in full sentences now.
Frank: Ooo, ooo, ooo, you think we had something to do with that?
Ginnie: Oooh, can we say we did?
Orville: I would. I can hear them thinking about each other. I thought it was a lot before, but now, it’s almost non-stop. Thank you for that.
Carlton: Yeah, maybe we should put an end to this awkward flirt fest. Let’s head home.
Frank: Ooo, ooo, ooo! I’ll drive!
Carlton: No! Wait, you know what? We took on an army of ghostfish last night. A ride in a speeding metal death trap sounds like a nice break.
(The van peels out and drives off at a wild speed. Then, from the shadows, a figure emerges.)
Delia: Wh—No! That can’t be it. You heard them, Nate. They’ve barely been at this more than a couple weeks. Those ghosts should’ve drowned them before the night was out!
Nate: So much for your big, scary revenge plot, huh? Does this mean we can get out of here now?
Delia: Oh, we’ve barely started! Just because one plan didn’t pan out doesn’t mean I don’t have more!
Nate: I was afraid you were going to say that.
Delia: Come on, Nate! Time to go back to the drawing board.
Nate: Awwoh!
