Episode Transcript
Heinous Investigations
Episode 4: Startup (Part VI)
(The sound of a water dripping echoes...)
Carlton (voiceover): Hanesbury. The place where one day you’re in a boring, run-of-the-mill job in the middle of nowhere, and the next you’re knocked out in a secret underground cave. And then you wake up just in time to see what fresh hell is waiting for you…
(Continuing, out loud) Ugh, god that hurt...where am I? Wait...all this stuff. Is this—
Miriam: The treasure? Yeah. Nice to see you’re finally up.
Carlton: Prior? That you?
Miriam: No, it’s Satan. Welcome to Hell.
Carlton: You could’ve just said “Yes.” What’s going on here?
Miriam: Apparently, Ginnie didn’t do a good job guarding the entrance.
Delia: Oh, she did fine. She just made the fatal mistake of not doing me a favor when she had the chance.
Carlton: What did you do to her? You’ve gotta be all kinds of twisted to...Delia?
Delia: Oh, Carlton! It’s you! I didn’t even notice when I was—
Carlton: Bashing my head in?
Delia: Aw, come on. Don’t say it like that. You make me sound like the bad guy.
Carlton: You are the bad guy.
Miriam: Uh, Carlton? You mind filling us in?
Carlton: Oh, um…“Heinous Investigations,” this is Delia Smythe. We, uh, were friends when we were kids.
Delia: Emphasis on were—All the way up until he decided to go off and become a lawyer. You high-and-mighty jerk—Like you’re so noble!
Carlton: At least I’m not the one who jumped headfirst into a life of crime!
Delia: I didn’t need to jump into anything! I was already there!
Carlton: And looks like you still are. I’m gonna guess you dragged Nate into this too?
Nate: Hi Carlton. Long time no see?
Carlton: Tell me about it. Why are you two even here?
Delia: You should know, Carlton. This treasure belongs to me—
Nate: Us—
Delia: Us, because our family claimed it centuries ago.
Carlton: Wait, so this is the treasure you used to talk about all the time? I thought that was just something your family told you to mess with you.
Delia: Sure you did. That’s why you’re down here with a whole crew, trying to take it for yourselves.
Elliot: Erm, pardon me, but we are actually trying to take this treasure to return it to the town—
Carlton: What the kid’s trying to say is, we’re not selfish like you.
Algy: Eh, I think we’d be lying if we didn’t admit that some of us are at least a little like that—
Elliot: And, I wouldn’t say that I was trying to be so curt—I don’t have much of a tolerance for rudeness, really—
Carlton: Thank you for the clarification, guys…[*sigh*] The point is, we came here to do something for the greater good, and if that means stopping you too, I’ll have no remorse.
Delia: And how are you gonna do that, huh? Sic some ghosts on me? Sacrifice me to the witches hiding out in the woods? Ooo, or maybe, feed me to the sea monster everyone around here swears is lounging around under the docks. Don’t make me laugh.
Carlton: How do you know about all that stuff?
Delia: Being in prison gives you a lot of time. I spent mine planning this heist. And boy, did I learn a lot about this town. I bet I know more about the freaky stuff around here than any of you morons do. Well, I think I’ve gloated long enough. Nate, grab the loot and let’s get outta here.
Nate: Got it, Dee.
Carlton: Hey! Hands off! You have no right to—AH! OOF!
(Carlton stumbles and falls face-first onto the dirt floor.)
Carlton: Ok. Just realized I’ve been tied up this whole time. Good.
Delia: And we took all your weapons. Come on, Carlton. This isn’t my first rodeo. You might have brought all that equipment, but when you have timing and the element of surprise on your side, all you need is some quality rope.
Carlton: And people dumb enough to clear a path for you.
Delia: Yeah, that was the easiest part. Now, Nate’s gonna haul my—
Nate: Our—
Delia: Our treasure out of here…while I make sure you won’t follow us.
Nate: Um, ok. Just gonna ignore that last part. I’ll be back in [*mumbling*], minutes. Sorry, Carlton, and uh, Carlton’s friends. Bye. [*panting*]
(He runs down the tunnel as fast as he can.)
Delia: Well Carlton, too bad this reunion was so short-lived. But hey, I can’t say it wasn’t fun.
Carlton: You can try to get rid of us, Dee, but you’re gonna have a real hard time after our man Orville gets us out of these ropes. Go ahead and telekinesis us outta here, Orville.
Miriam: Uh, Orville’s still unconscious.
Carlton: What?
Miriam: Yeah. Pretty sure we would’ve already busted out if he wasn’t.
Carlton: I dunno! The guy talks so little it’s hard to tell when he’s around, let alone awake!
Delia: That’s enough out of you—all of you! Now the real question is, how do I make sure that you stay quiet for good? I could just use your own weapons against you…
(She brandishes her gun.)
Delia: But there’s not a lot of creativity in that.
Miriam: Ugh, could you just skip the monologue and get to the part where you actually decide how to kill us!?!
Liza: Miriam!
Miriam: What? I told you I had somewhere to be!
Delia: Fine. I’ll go the creative route. See that ledge over there?
Liza: Yes?
Delia: Just over it is a lake with a giant shark in it.
Carlton: You’re bluffing.
Delia: I’m not, and I’ll prove it. You, the cute one.
Algy: I know that you’re trying to kill us right now, but thank you.
Jack: You need some serious help.
Delia: You’re closest to the ledge. Want to take a look for your friends here?
Algy: I’m going to guess that I don’t have a choice anyway, so—
(A massive splash, followed by thrashing sounds.)
Algy: OOOOOH CRAP! SHE’S NOT BLUFFING! SHE’S NOT BLUFFING! HOW IS THERE EVEN A SHARK DOWN HERE!?!
Delia: Oh, you mean you’ve never heard the legend of the Hanesbury Landshark? The prehistoric shark rumored to have survived thousands of years in the town’s underground, and is also implacably hungry for human flesh? Like I said, I learned a lot. Now who should I send to a watery grave first? The sad little orphan? Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dumber?
Algy: Don’t you dare say I’m the dumber one.
Jack: Wasn’t planning on it.
Delia: Nah...How about, the doctor?
Elliot: [*distressed sound*]
Delia: Hah, you should see the look on your face—like you’re about to throw up and pass out at the same time—It is hilarious! Too bad it has to end though.
Carlton: Dee, if you go anywhere near him, I swear—
Delia: Shut up! I wanna finish this. Get up, kid! Time for a nap with the fishes...or the one...big...fish—whatever, you know what I mean! Unless you wanna take the alternative route.
(Delia cocks the gun.)
Delia: Now move.
(Elliot reluctantly gets up and is forced by Delia to walk to the shark ledge.)
Carlton (whispering): Remember when I said I didn’t like guns? This right here is a pretty good reason why.
Miriam (whispering): Really? You’re gonna bring that up now?
Elliot: Mr. Carlton is right, you know. You really might want to rethink your actions.
Delia: I’d keep my mouth shut if I were you, doc. And stop shaking! You’re making it harder for me to push you closer to the shark!
Elliot (slipping into “spooky” voice): I am just saying that you REAlly do Not want to Do this!
(Unsettling, eerie sounds start to flood the cavern.)
Delia: Like hell I don’t!
Elliot: ThaT’s what Worries me!
Miriam: What is happening!?!
(Record scratch!)
Frank: Hello everybody! Frank here! Remember me from a couple episodes ago? I’ve just dropped in to say that, we here at Heinous Investigations understand that just by listening to us, you have invested yourself in a non-visual medium. And we appreciate that. We also understand that sometimes in this day and age, it can be confusing and/or frustrating to envision what’s happening without the help of images. But not to worry! That’s why I’m here to describe exactly what has everyone so bewildered at this point in our story. You see, Dr. Elliot Quaid can normally be described as a decidedly not intimidating person. However, at this moment, after some kind of spooky blur, a much more menacing-looking person has shown up instead. The investigators and Delia’s reactions to this are akin to those one might have if they were to see, say, a seemingly ordinary guy turn into a giant, raging green monster in purple cut-offs. Got it? Good. Roll it!
(Record scratch as the main action resumes.)
Delia: H-How did you break out of those ropes? And what in the hell are you?
“Elliot”: Considering you keep using the “H-word,” you think you’d have figured it out.
Carlton: Oh...an angel and something else.
Miriam: What are you talking about?
Carlton: Ok, so this might sound a little crazy, but I think the kid may be a—
Algy: Demon!
Carlton: Yeah, but only half, I think.
“Elliot”: Now why do you have to react like that? You make it sound like being part demon is a bad thing. You should feel ashamed for making such a hasty judgment. I bet you’re already assuming that I’m going to play dirty by, oh, I don’t know, immediately disarming Delia here while she’s distracted—
(He does exactly that.)
Delia: Hey! What are you—give me that gun back!
“Elliot”: Then, kick her arse just for the fun of it—
Delia: Oh you wish you sick son-of-a—AGH!
(“Elliot” proceeds to beat Delia up with extreme prejudice.)
Carlton: Oof.
Miriam: That does not look good.
Liza: Should somebody stop him?
Miriam: After what she did to Ginnie and threatened to do to us?
Carlton: Prior’s got a point. But—
Delia: Let go of me!
“Elliot”: No, I don’t think I will. Wouldn’t be any fun for me otherwise. You know what it’s like to have fun, don’t you? Hey you...er, red-haired girl—
Liza: Liza.
“Elliot”: Whatever—hit her with some of that—whatever it is you hit people with—and now would be good. It is getting extremely irritating to hold her down.
Delia: Then maybe you should let go of m—[*fainting sound*]
(Liza mists Delia, and Delia passes out, hitting the floor.)
Algy: I thought your hands were tied.
Liza: They are, but it doesn’t matter. I can make that mist come from anywhere if I need to, so as long as someone is close enough...
Algy: Duly noted…But also, I have questions.
Carlton: Not the time for being stupid Algy. Ok kid, nice job getting Delia out of the way.
(“Elliot” starts to drag the unconscious Delia toward the shark ledge.)
Carlton: Now how about you untie us and we call the cops or—What are you doing?
“Elliot”: I’ll admit, it’s not as entertaining to send someone over a ledge into shark-infested waters without seeing the fear on their face right beforehand, but I guess she deserves it no matter what, soooooo…
Carlton: You’re probably right about that—I can tell you she’s a bad person. But we’re not. So get her away from the ledge, kid—
“Elliot”: Don’t call me that!
Carlton: You didn’t have a problem with it before.
“Elliot”: That was the nice side, idiot! Too weak to get anything done, let me tell you. Point is, I was a kid back before your ten-times-great grandad was one! I have seen shit that would—
(Liza sprays him in the face with knockout gas.)
“Elliot”: [*fainting sound*]
(He passes out. Eerie sounds emerge again and then die down. Elliot is himself again.)
Miriam: Nice one, Liza. And I thought Carlton’s girlfriend was crazy. Think you could’ve mentioned the doc’s demon bit before we all went into the confined space with him?
Carlton: First of all, she’s definitely not my girlfriend, and the kid was afraid to tell anybody. Now I kinda get why. But hey, at least he’s not always like that. Look, he’s already back to normal, I think.
Jack: And we’re sure about that?
Carlton: He’s not scary anymore, is he? Yeah, he’s ok. Now can we try to focus on the bigger issue here? Namely, that we’re tied up in an underground cave with an unconscious criminal, who is not gonna be happy when she gets back up, and whose brother is probably gonna be back here any minute.
Jack: Well, I think you were on to something when you said Orville could untie us. I’m sitting closest to him. I bet I could wake him up.
Liza: I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Last time I checked, Orville was a pretty heavy sleeper.
Jack (whispering): Spst, Orville. Orville? Do you think you could maybe wake up and—
Orville: [*sleeping groan*]
(Orville, half-unconscious, telekinetically flings Jack into the ceiling of the cavern with a “thud.” Jack falls back to the floor.)
Algy: [*snickers*]
Liza: I warned you.
Jack: You didn’t say anything about getting catapulted into the ceiling…
Miriam: Consider it a newfound occupational hazard. How about we try the doc? You know, the only one of us who isn’t tied up?
Algy: Uh, I thought the goal was to keep him unconscious and far away.
Liza: Because of one bad moment? I think the fact that he’s been nothing but nice the rest of the time makes up for that…Come on, Elliot. This is your wakeup call. Hellooo…
Elliot: [*groggy sounds*]
Liza: Hey.
Elliot: Hello…I, erm, did something unpleasant, didn’t I?
Carlton: Short answer, yeah. But, you took care of the immediate threat to our lives, so thanks for that. Now would you mind untying us ki—uh, doctor?
Elliot: You can, erm, call me “kid” if you’d like, Mr. Carlton, in spite of what I can only imagine having said to the contrary…Also, I doubt that I would be able to untie you very quickly. Why don’t I just give Ms. Prior her knife back so that she can cut herself and everyone else loose?
Miriam: Sounds good to me. Hand it over, doc.
(He hands Miriam the knife, and she cuts herself free. Then she moves on to cut Carlton’s ropes.)
Carlton: Oof, take it easy back there, Prior.
Miriam: Shut up, or I’ll feed you to the shark. Now what are we going to do about Delia’s stooge?
Carlton: I think I have a plan for that. But everybody’s gonna need to find a place to hide out first...except for you, Jack.
Jack: Huh?
Carlton: Think you could stay tied up a little longer?
Jack: I guess so. Why?
Carlton: Ok, so you’re gonna have to bear with me here…
(Cut to a few minutes later as Nate runs into the cave.)
Nate: Hello? Delia? Did you, uh...take care of everything? De—Delia!?!
Delia: Nate! Don’t just stand there staring like an idiot! Help me out of these ropes!
Nate: But—I thought you had everything under control—
Delia: They were tougher than they looked, alright?!? Tied me up, ran off, and left me to die alone—I mean, left me for you to find. Now would you untie me so we can grab the last of the stuff and get out of here!?!
Nate: Ok, ok.
(He unties her.)
Nate: Uh, so what should we take next?
Delia: I thought we’d start with the trunks full of cash, then that rug, then a kick in the face—
Nate: Wait, kick in the face?
(“Thwip!” Algy appears from out of nowhere.)
Algy: Yeah, kick in the face!
(Algy kicks Nate, hard, in the face.)
Nate: Ow! Why did that hurt so much!?!
Algy: Lead shoes! A pain to run in, but man, do they pack a punch!
Nate: [*whines*] Delia! Can you back me up please?
Delia: Yeah, um, about that…
(Delia suddenly changes into Jack.)
Jack: I don’t think I’m going to be a lot of help.
Nate: Wha—you’re not Delia!
Jack: Um, no. But, don’t worry, uh, she’s fine. Just a little unconscious.
(Liza emerges, emitting a little pink mist cloud from her hand.)
Liza: And if you cooperate, we won’t do the same to you. Right Miriam?
(Miriam aims the One-Person-Arsenal directly at Nate.)
Miriam: Right. Hi there, Nate. Say hello to the One-Person-Arsenal. I promise if you stay really still I won’t use this harpoon to impale you.
Nate: [*nervous whine*]
Miriam: Hey Carlton, call me a shot would you?
Carlton: Let’s go with: that wall over there. About five feet up?
Miriam: Psh! Easy.
Carlton: Well, I was trying to be nice.
Nate: [*nervous whine*]
(Miriam takes her shot and pins Nate to the wall.)
Liza: Ooh! Got him by the collar! Nice one!
Miriam: Told you I wouldn’t hurt him.
Carlton: So, Nate. You and Delia still think you can steal from us?
Nate: [*nervous sounds*] [*faints*]
Carlton: So much for not knocking him out. I can’t say I blame him though. You really are a weapons expert, Prior.
Miriam: Told you so…And, thanks…Alright enough standing around, let’s grab some treasure.
Algy: YES!
(The Investigators start to grab everything they can carry.)
Carlton: Ok, Liza, you grab the cash. Kid, how about you take that painting, and Prior, why don’t you grab the knife set? Just try not to stab anyone with ‘em.
Miriam: Only as long as you don’t go making friends with the shark. Something tells me you two would have a lot in common.
Carlton: Very funny…
Algy: So, Carlton’s plan worked out pretty well, didn’t it?
Jack: Yeah, I guess it did.
Algy: Wouldn't have worked without your whole disguise thing though, huh?
Jack : You are not going to get me to say it.
Algy: Whatever you say bro…
Jack: Ok, maybe there are some cases—
Algy: Uh huh—
Jack: Some cases...where the shapeshifting thing is useful. There, you happy?
Algy: Yes. Guess we know who’s really the dumb one after all.
Jack: Yeah, don’t push it.
(A sudden, low rumbling sound comes from deep within the cavern. The whole space starts to shake and a cave-in begins.)
Carlton: Ugh, what now?
Miriam: I don’t know! You still have the map, right? Maybe that has an answer!
Carlton: But I already went through the whole thing! I mean there was this thing in the bottom corner, but it’s a scribble—there’s no way it means anything! Kid, back me up here!
(He gives Elliot the map to read.)
Elliot: Erm…actually…
Carlton: Crap. Translation?
Elliot: I believe that the closest English approximation is “Please Turn Over”.
Carlton: Double crap.
Miriam (nervously eyeing the ceiling): What does it say, doc?
Elliot: Erm—It reads, “Let it be known that if anyone, regardless of age, creed, stock, or station, attempts to abscond with my treasure, they shall incur my wrath.” I can only assume that this is the haunting that Mr. Henrickson had mentioned. I must say, for the spirit of a highwayman, his dedication to proper diction is admirable, even under such sinister circumstanc—
Carlton: Really kid?!?
Elliot: Sorry.
Miriam: Great, first a giant shark, now a ghost is trying to crush us.
Carlton: It’s not a ghost.
Miriam: Oh yeah? Then what’s your explanation, Mister “Didn’t Think to Flip Over the Map?”
Carlton: That is a terrible insult!
Liza: How about instead of arguing, we try to not die in a cave-in!?!
Carlton: Right! Everybody take cover!
(A large amount of the ceiling starts to collapse, but Orville (finally) wakes up and levitates the falling debris.)
Orville: How long was I out?
Algy: ORVILLE! You amazing, resourceful—still kinda creepy—walking deus ex machina! Man, are we happy to see you up!
Liza: How much longer do you think you can keep the ceiling from caving in?
Orville: Probably not long. I think I’d rather just drop all of this dirt and rocks over that ledge over there.
Jack: That ledge? The one with the shar—
Carlton: YES! DO THAT!
Orville: Ok.
(Orville drops all of the debris down into the shark lake, where they hit with a loud ‘SPLASH!’.)
Liza: Aw, that poor shark.
Elliot: I wouldn’t worry, Miss Liza. I have a feeling that it will eat its way out in no time.
Carlton: Everybody ok?
Miriam: I think so. And by the look of it, most of the treasure’s ok too.
Algy: Still alive and going home with treasure. This day just keeps getting better.
Orville: I’m not so sure about the “going home” part.
Carlton: Why?
Orville: I was so busy trying to make sure nobody got crushed, I forgot to stop the tunnels from getting blocked. We currently have no exit.
Carlton: Oh...Can’t you just unblock them? You know, do the telekinesis thing?
Orville: That last time was very exhausting. I don’t think I could levitate anything for at least a few hours.
Carlton: Great.
Orville: I can still do one thing.
Carlton: What is it? And you’d better not say—
Orville: Yes, it’s the mind-reading. It might be worth noting that everyone is panicking internally.
Miriam: Orville, I think you might want to stop talking. Now.
Orville: Ok...but you keep thinking about Rachel, and you might want to talk about it since it’s obviously bothering you.
Carlton: Wait, Rachel? Is that where you had to be? You made us rush into this so you could go meet with—
Miriam: I thought I told you you didn’t know anything about my life, suit.
Carlton: Well maybe there are also some things that would’ve been helpful for you to share, instead of putting everybody’s lives on the line for your own dumb reasons!
Liza: Aw, come on guys! I thought we’d all finally started to get along! We found some treasure! Beat some bad guys!
Miriam: Ay dios—would you stop trying to be everybody’s friend!?! We’re not all lucky enough to crash with some rich people after trying to sell them sex gas—which is so weird by the way!
Elliot: I’m sorry, erm, what gas?
Algy: Oh, don’t act so innocent! We all saw what you almost did to Delilah, you evil...demon...thing!
Elliot: But I’m not entirely a demon! I, erm, he—that side can be a bit...choleric at times, but he—I—wouldn't ever actually hurt any of you—at least I don’t think he’d—I’d...you know, maybe you all should just leave me down here once you go, alright? Good.
Orville: This wasn’t what I had in mind when I mentioned talking about things.
Carlton: Like you know anything about talking! I think this is the most I’ve heard you say in two days!
Miriam: Don’t try to change the subject!
Carlton: Oh yeah, because it has to be all about you! YOU AND YOUR ISSUES! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONE WHO COULDN’T DO THE WHOLE TEAM THING, BUT YOU KNOW WHAT!?! YOU’RE THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM! NO, ALL OF US ARE! MAYBE MARTIN THOUGHT WE COULD BE A TEAM, BUT WE’RE SO CAUGHT UP IN OUR OWN CRAP, WE CAN’T EVEN DO ONE THING RIGHT!...
(Silence...and then the sound of radio static.)
Elliot: Hello? Is anyone there? This is Dr. Elliot Quaid? My friends and I are currently trapped underground? Hello?
Carlton: What are you doing, kid?
Elliot: With all due respect, Mr. Carlton, regardless of whatever adverse feelings we may hold toward one another, I will not allow them to endanger our lives any further.
Carlton: We’re twenty feet underground. We’re probably gonna run out of air before we can get even close to getting out of here.
Elliot: That may be, but I’m still going to try.
(He continues to fiddle with the radio.)
Carlton: Hey, Prior.
Miriam: Yeah?
Carlton: I’ve been a jerk.
Miriam: Are you being serious right now?
Carlton: That’s what you’ve wanted me to say this whole time, right? That I’ve been obnoxious, annoying, a pain in your ass? I’m just trying to own up.
Miriam: Oh...uh...thanks. And I guess that I’ve been a jerk, too...But not as much as you.
Carlton: You know, I’ll take it.
Miriam: I don’t know how much it really matters though, now that we’re stuck down here.
Algy: Gonna be real with you guys—this is not how I expected to die.
Jack: Normally I’d question what you mean by that, but I don’t think it really fits the mood.
Liza: So that’s it? After all this, we’re giving up?
Carlton: No. We’re not…Look, over the past couple days, I’ve been covered in mud, lost my job, gotten roped into whatever the hell this whole thing is, and have been dragged all over this god-forsaken town, and you know what I learned? Sometimes, you just gotta say, “What the hell?” So, no, we’re not gonna give up. And I may have been a jerk—I mean, who here isn’t sometimes? But who cares about that? We stick by each other, through the good and the bad. I bet that if we really really tried, we could maybe—and it’s a huge maybe—
Miriam: This somehow isn’t inspiring a lot of confidence—
Carlton: Quiet Prior, I’m on a roll here—Maybe, we can make this town better. I mean, come on! You guys—you can move things with your mind, shoot knockout gas, outrun just about anything, and kick some serious ass! I’m not gonna say I buy into every freaky story about this place, but I’ll tell you one thing…At least I believe in you guys.
Miriam: Wow, that was...really cheesy.
Carlton: Yeah, yeah. Believe it or not, the lawyer can make sappy, heartfelt speeches. Now are we gonna just sit here and cry or are we gonna get ourselves and this treasure outta here?
(Just then, one of the tunnels is cleared open!)
Ginnie: Hey guys! What’d I miss!?!
Carlton: Ginnie? How’d you get here? Delia said she “took care of you.”
Ginnie: Ohhhhh, you thought she meant that she—aw, no! She only got me out of the way for a little while!
Miriam: Meaning?
Ginnie: Oh, it’s a really funny story…
(Flashback to a short time earlier...)
Delia: I dare you to fight me.
Ginnie: Okie dokie. You can have the first sh—
(“BANG!” Delia fires her gun.)
Delia: That was easy...Wait, where’d she go?
Nate: Uh, Delia…
(A cloud of smoke appears above them.)
Delia: What in the...what are you?
Ginnie: Ok, so fun thing. Did you know that vampires can turn into clouds of smoke? And I’ll admit, it totally comes in handy when you need stuff to phase through you. You know, like bullets.
Nate: Let’s get out of here!
Delia: No way!
Nate: I am not getting killed by a vampire! No treasure is worth that!
Ginnie: He has a point, but I really don’t want to kill anybody. Calling the cops would be ok though.
Nate: Come on, Dee! Running looks like our best option!
Delia: Or we could just do this.
(Delia turns on a battery-powered fan.)
Ginnie: Uh oh.
(Delia blows the Ginnie cloud away.)
Delia: Battery-powered fan. Never know when you’re gonna need to clear the air of something. Like fog, or gas, or in this case, mythical creatures...or I guess, not-so-mythical creatures.
Nate: How does coming face-to-face with a vampire not freak you out!?!
Delia: Oh, believe me, there is a lot worse in this place.
Nate: What?
Delia: Tell you later. Now let’s go.
(Flashback over.)
Ginnie: It took me some time, but I pulled myself together and ran down here to help you guys out...Looks like I came at a good time too! Oh, and I brought help!
Frank: PHEW! Sorry we took so long! Somebody didn’t want me to use explosives to unblock the tunnels because it might “cause widespread panic and unforeseen damages to town property.”
Martin: I was only trying to be cautious. Could I offer you all a ride back to my place? It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve been through.
Algy: You’ve got that right! Now let’s get out of here!
Liza: What about Delia and Nate?
Carlton: We should probably take them with us…But knowing Delia, she’d rather die than accept any help…Let’s make sure they have a clear path out; I feel like I owe it to ‘em, for old times’ sake. Hopefully they’ll do the right thing and move on. Now let’s go.
(The Investigators make their way back to the Henrickson house.)
Martin: “Heinous Investigations?”
Carlton: That’s what they’re calling us.
Martin: Seems a little confusing doesn’t it?
Carlton: So’s our business.
Martin: “Our” business? So I take it you’re staying then?
Carlton: Hey, somebody’s gotta make sure these idiots don’t get themselves in too deep.
Liza: Algy! You have to give all of the stuff back to the town!
Algy: Just let me have five more minutes to say goodbye!
Elliot: Do you really think that obsessing over material wealth is such a good idea?
Algy: Yeah, like I’m gonna take advice from a demon...monster...thing!
Elliot: I’m not a—oh, never mind.
Martin: I see your point.
Carlton: I mean, I can’t say I’m gonna stick around forever—I have a law career that I’d like to get back to—but, I could live with this for a little while.
Martin: What constitutes “a little while?”
Carlton: Let’s say...three months.
Martin: Done. Glad to have you with us.
Carlton: Hey, Martin.
Martin: Yes, Carlton?
Carlton: It’s pretty obvious why you asked everyone else to get involved in this, but why me? I still have a hard time buying everything going on here.
Martin: Yes, but you never stopped asking questions and looking for explanations—I’d say that’s a sign of a good lawyer, and a good investigator.
Carlton: Wait, so did you know that when everything went down yesterday, I mean, with me running around after everybody, that I’d—
Martin: Oh look, Rachel’s here.
Carlton: Rachel? You mean Prior’s Rachel?
Miriam: Yes, Prior’s Rachel, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything while she moves in.
Carlton: What—Why would I say anything?
Martin: I’ll just leave you two alone. I’ll be in the next room if you need me.
Carlton: Wait, Martin—
(Suddenly, a little girl runs toward Miriam.)
Rachel: Mommy!
Carlton: Mommy?
Miriam: Hey, mija. Listen, Mommy’s gotta talk to Mr. Carlton right now, but how about you go find Mr. Henrikson, and then, I promise, I’ll be over to help you find your room in a sec.
Rachel: Ok. Hey, are you the “pompous, immature jerk” my mom told me about?
Miriam: Rachel—
Carlton: I’m gonna go with “yes”.
Rachel: Ms. Rachel Prior. Pleased to make your acquaintance.
Miriam: Rachel, honey, could you please go wait with Mr. Henrickson now?
Rachel: Ok! Bye!
(She runs back to Martin.)
Carlton: Cute kid, Prior.
Miriam: Yeah yeah, I guess you would’ve found out eventually. Rachel is my daughter.
Carlton: She looks a lot like you…She have your aim too?
Miriam: She has more than that…
Carlton: Hey—
Miriam: Yeah?
Carlton: This, uh, group—team—whatever you wanna call it—it’s in rough shape. It’s gonna take a lot to get this thing going, and my decisions clearly aren’t always the right ones.
Miriam: Clearly.
Carlton: What I’m trying to say is, I think I’m gonna need a right hand man—uh, woman. Interested?
Miriam: Now that is the best idea you’ve had all day...And, um, maybe we can start over with the introductions?
Carlton: Sure.
Miriam: Hi. Miriam Prior.
Carlton: Beverly Carlton.
Miriam: Wait, Beverly?
Carlton: Yeah, Beverly! It can be a guy’s name! Now, can you—
Miriam: Oh my god, you should see your face right now! So that’s why you go by your last name! Hoo, wow! Beverly!
Carlton: You know, I’m just gonna give you some time to process this Prior.
Miriam: No, no, no wait! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. We’re trying to start off better here. I think Beverly is—is a very...nice...name.
Carlton: [*sigh*] You can just let it out now.
Miriam: [*hysterical laughter*]
Carlton: Yeah, this is gonna be a long three months.
Miriam: BEVERLY! OH MY GOD!
(Meanwhile, back at the entrance to the underground tunnels, Delia and Nate escape yet again.)
Delia: I can’t believe it, Nate. Tunnels crawling with cops and we’re barely given the time of day.
Nate: And you’re upset about that?
Delia: Uh yeah. Because you can’t be arrested for a robbery when you don’t have any stolen goods to prove you did the job!
Nate: What?
Delia: I’m angry that Carlton got the better of us, Nate!
Nate: Oh, ok, now that makes more sense. Still, I thought it was nice to have police care about our safety for reasons other than us being wanted alive…
(Delia starts walking down the street.)
Nate: Where are you going?
Delia: Further into town. There’s gotta be somewhere around here where we can get a good deal on a place to stay.
Nate: Stay? Wait, are you saying we’re not moving on to another job?
Delia: Oh, no Nate. We’re settling down for a while, and not for just any old job, either. We have a greater purpose now: Revenge.
Nate: Revenge?
Delia: Yes, revenge! I’ll admit, when I first got into the game, I assumed I’d always be the revengee and not the revenger—but now, let me tell you, Carlton and his little crew picked the wrong person to mess with.
Nate: Uh, no offense, Delia, but how exactly is revenge gonna pay the bills? You know how I feel about the crimes, but at least they made us money.
Delia: While you were crying about every job we did, I managed not to burn all of our bridges. I’ve met enough high profile malefactors who’d be willing to throw money away on spreading some small-town chaos.
Nate: But what are you actually going to do for your big, bad, chaotic revenge scheme? I mean, have you seen what Carlton and those friends of his can do? You probably want to reconsider—
Delia: Sshhh! Listen, Nate. Sweet, naive Nate. They may be freaks, but the rest of this place is a whole lot freakier. Believe me, I know enough about this town’s twisted history to make Carlton and his team beg for mercy.
Nate: Like what?
Delia: Help me set up this operation and I’ll tell you. I’ll take Carlton down, even if that means taking this whole god-awful town down with him.
Nate: Got it…But—
Delia: Shut up, Nate.
Nate: Ok.
